holidays!

It is so good to have some time off work - I don't have to go back until 2 Jan! Boy and I went out last night for some drinks and picked up a pizza on the way home. We got home, ate pizza, drank wine and watched "Big Trouble in Little China" which we often do when we get home from a few drinks. After a slow and late start, we went out for some breakfast and strolled through our local nursery for a bit. We found a Buddha statue for the folks for their Christmas present so we are all done for shopping now!

We went to the dog beach in the afternoon and the hairy one frollicked around in the sea for a while, she is such a cutie. Now, I think it is time for a glass of wine and a bit of a read while boy is out. We finally have nothing on tonight - finally a night away from people!!!

Lovely start to the holidays!

Christmas Wishes from the Hairy one

Boredom and silly Christmas apparatus are a bad combination - especially when the only company in sight is a friendly kelpie. She was well rewarded with dog-treats for enduring this!

Happy Christmas!

Mince Pies

These mince pies are outstanding - crumbly shortbread like pastry and deliciously spiced fruit inside. I used Roberston's fruit mince for one set but will use my own fruit mince for the next lot as there was so much from the pudding.

Pastry was:

1 cup of plain flour
1/3 cup caster sugar
1/2 tsp salt
100g butter
iced water (about 6 tbsp)

In a food processor, put the flour, salt and sugar and mix slightly. Add the cubed butter (you may not need the full 100 g but it might depend on the heat of your kitchen or other as yet undefined metaphysical factors) then add the iced water slowly because you might only need a few tablespoons. Dont let it get too wet, if it is, add more flour.

Give the pastry a quick knead, wrap it in plastic and put in fridge for 30 mins. Roll out and fill with fruit and bake. dust with icing sugar and eat

Pudding

2/3 cup plain flour
2/3 cup breadcrumbs
1tbsp cinnamon
1tbsp mixed spice
1 tbsp nutmeg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 granny smith apple (peeled and grated)
grated rind and juice of one orange
2kg mixed fruit - include as many as you can, mixed peel, currants, raisins etc
100g chopped, blanched almonds
1 tbsp treacle
1/2 cup brandy
1/2 cup guinness or stout
2 eggs
100 g butter, melted and cooled

Put fruits, peel and spices in a bowl and mix with the juice, treacle, brandy and stout. Let it sit overnight (or for a few nights if time permits). If soaking fruit over a few days, stir daily and check for moisture and spicing. Add more of both (depending on how boozy the pud should be).

When the fruit is ready, sift the flour and add to the fruit gradually making sure to mix the fruit so that it is evenly coated in the flour. Then do the same with the breadcrumbs. When the fruit is coated, mix the eggs and butter together and add to the pudding.

This will make an enormous amount of pudding and depending on how many people will be eating it, make it in smaller or larger amounts as appropriate. I still like to put my puddings in calico and steam them in a steaming pot. Lightly coat the calico with flour and use a small rice bowl as a mould for a two person serve. Push the mixture into the bowl and twist the top of the calico and secure with string. Make a loop at the top of the string so that the pudding can be hung when it is cooked. Steam the puddings for about two - three hours. When finished, hang the puddings ober a wooden spoon to let them cool. They can be frozen at this point and re-steamed when you feel like eating one. I put them in a freezer bag to stop them from drying out.

The puddings are not a 'doughy' pudding and there is only enough flour to just hold it together - but that is what I like. It is more of a pile of boozy fruit than anything else - but it is the most perfect thing with vanilla-bean brandy custard!!

Every year I panic about how I have made them. The quantities change all the time and a bit more is added here and there. I am hoping that with age, I will get to a point where I just 'know' when the pudding is right. Fingers crossed for this one!

Christmas cooking

After a successful batch of Christmas puddings and mince pies last year, I have decided to do it again this year. I can never remember how much whiskey I put into the fruit, one year was really strong but last year was pretty perfect.

This year, I have filled a large bowl full of a few kilos of fruit and have so far put in about 2/3 of a cup. I love it when all of the spices come together with the fruit and the whiskey to create that distinct Christmas scent. When I finish soaking I think I will put the recipe up here so that I don't forget again this time next year.

I have been out shopping today and need to lie down for a bit before I start making pastry for the pies. I will probably end up using shop bought pastry at some point but the first batch has to be made with home-made pastry.

I have had trouble planning presents this year - particularly for boy. We normally go way over the top but have limited ourselves this year. It has not been easy but I am pretty happy with what I have found him.

good to be home

This is a busy time. It is good to catch up with friends and take time to enjoy the company of the people we love. The problem with this season is that there is also a lot of time spent with people for the sake of going out. Sometimes new friendships grow from these nights out, which can be immensely rewarding but not this week.

I went out with some people from work last night which could have been fun but they spent most of the night taking pictures of themselves. I then caught up with some people I haven't seen for a long time and who I knew through my ex-boyfriend. It was good to see them but still, by the end of the night I was struck by the emptiness of the night. It is great to 'shoot the breeze' but I don't get enough time to do that with the people I love. Perhaps I am just a bit cranky, it was really hot last night. As an introvert, I find this time of year quite exhausting. It always starts well and I get excited about going out with friends and enjoying meals and a few drinks but by about now I just want to retreat into my safe haven again and avoid contact with people for a while.

I have never been so happy to get home to boy and dog - the precious souls I love so dearly.

Sweltering summer days

First of all - I got the job! After a terrible interview - they still wanted to give me the job. I am really excited about it, it will be a great change. There are a few snags because my current boss is reluctant to 'let me go' which, while flattering that he thinks I am so irreplacable, probably has more to do with his planned retirement at the end of next year than my inherent skill level. Because he and the person I will be working for are both part of the same executive group, there is a bit of negotiating to do. I feel bad that they are lumbered with this by hiring me because if they went with someone else they would not have to share a role but I guess they will work it out one way or another.

Anyway... having been successful with this job has put me in a great state of mind. I feel less stressed about the work in my other two jobs. I know that I wont get everything done and no longer mind as much because hopefully they will put two people into the jobs when I go so that they will only have the one job each rather than this stupid arrangement of trying to do both.

This weekend we have been trying to get some christmas shopping done. The presents feel so unimportant this year, it has been such a crazy time. I think it is going to be a hot Christmas this year. The weather this week has been 31deg and we have started with the summer storms. I have woken up a few nights this week with midnight storms. Now it is balmy and humid, the crickets and cicadas are buzzing away with that sound which is distinctly summer. Sometimes the noise gets so loud as to be overwhelming. The cycle of humid hot days and stormy nights is one that we are familiar with in Queensland. The sun has just come out again so it is about to get hotter again. I think it is time to put the air conditioning back on.

Sunday

I have had a lovely Sunday around the house. After a particularly good night of sleep, we spent a lazy morning reading the papers over a coffee or two. I had a craving for Thai, which proved a fruitless journey but instead we found a little Indian restaurant doing Sunday lunch. We had a delicious lunch of Dosas and curry with a glass of ale. Boy treated us to a few lovely beers made by Australian vineyards - the Peppertree Ale was particularly well suited to a curry lunch.

We then spent the afternoon lazing around watching Seinfeld DVDs, having a good few giggles and dozing in and out of naps on the couch. All a bit perfect for a Sunday. We are roasting a chicken for dinner which I am really looking forward to. Oddly, I am not worried or preoccupied about going back to work tomorrow - I think that coming home from the beach yesterday has helped by giving time to settle back into the city. I must say that I am finding it difficult being around crowds at the moment, there is nothing like the general public to get my blood rising!!

Last night I called my Granny to tell her our news, she was very pleased. She is still struggling to find her place in the world after Grandpa's passing. They were made for each other and she can't find much meaning in what is left. She enjoys the company of her budgie "Bertie" but she is very lonely. I wish I could see her but she is on the other side of the planet. It broke my heart that she invited us to stay with her if we wanted to travel to the UK for our Honeymoon - she generally doesn't have people stay with her after Grandpa died, it meant a great deal for her to offer that. I know boy would love her and she him - they would share a love of her food too!! It was nice to share our news with her.

Catching up on time

It has been quite a while since I have posted.. so much has happened, mostly all good too! I have just had a week at the beach after a few frantic weeks at work where I was putting in 13 and longer hours a day - I was pretty exhausted by the end of last week but also moving along a such a pace that it took a bit to slow down.

I have also decided to apply for a new job at the Uni - similar role but just one (as opposed to the two jobs I am doing at the moment). It would be a busy job but interesting and with only one staff member to supervise. I am lucky with my staff in my current jobs, they work hard and are good people. It is just tiring to manage 12 people with so many different needs when my own roles are so demanding. I was approached to apply for the job but my initial confidence in getting the job have decreased with time and after a week without being in contact with the person who would be my new boss, am concerned that I haven't heard anything about an interview. Anyway.. if it is the right job for me it will be fine and if I don't get it something else will come along in time.

Also, on a much brighter note, I got the results back from my last doctor's appointment and she has given me the all clear - no abnormal cells, and no HPV either! I had convinced myself that I would have a strain of it but it seems it was all just my body creating some bad cells. I am not sure whether this is more of a concern but at least I don't have a higher likelihood of cervical cancer. I need to focus on maintaining a strong immune system now - and managing stress!! I am so thankful for the results and even for the whole experience. It is easy to say that from a healthy position after being given the all clear but it has given me a lot to think about and has helped me think more deeply about my health and also to connect more to the distinctly female aspects of myself. I have still got some small pains and my cycle has changed a bit but I am certainly more attuned to my body as a result of all of this.

So, that was the week before last! Last week was wonderful - a week at the beach with boy and nothing at all to do. I spent days lying on the beach reading and swimming in the ocean. It was so healing being in the sea - the waves felt like they were literally washing away the pain and confusion of the past few months. Lying in the sun, I absorbed the warmth and enjoyed the sense of being completely relaxed. I finished Kahled Hosseini's new book "A Thousand Splendid Suns", which was moving and beautiful. I have started a new book and hope to maintain the momentum of the holiday.

We ate beautiful fresh seafood and went for long walks on the beach. I slept so soundly and am completely rested now. We were lucky to stay in a house with ocean views, there is nothing like the smell of the sea. We could hear the waves crashing and went to sleep each night with the sounds of the sea.

Half way through the holiday, boy proposed to me. We have spoken about getting married as a way to formalise our relationship and while he has had some reservations about the institution in its traditional sense, we have decided to celebrate what we love about each other and will honour our relationship together through marriage. Yay!!!! It is lovely to share this formal commitment together.

Well, that is about it for now. I have enjoyed not having the net around. While it is a great thing, it sucks time like nothing else.

A big sigh of relief

I went back to the doctor on Thursday for another test and fully expected that she would find more affected cells. I think even my doctor was surprised that there were no more dysplastic cells. She did a thinprep and another pap test as well as a DNA test and I will get the results next week. She seemed confident that it would all be ok and my next appointment wont be for another 6 months! In some ways my response was a bit confused - I wasn't expecting it to be ok. Boy was thrilled, it was so nice to be able to walk back into reception and tell him that I am all clear. I will need to have regular checks but I am getting used to them now -so that is a good thing I guess!

We both had two days off which I had arranged fully expecting to be in pain for the weekend. Unfortunately I have the flu at the moment as well but it has been really nice to rest over the weekend with boy. We took the hairy fool to the dog beach yesterday and she swam again - looks like she is past her fear of water. There were lots of dogs there so it was a lovely day. Back to work tomorrow but I have had a much needed chance to really get some rest. Perhaps I can view things differently when I return to work - try to keep a handle on the stress.

Pimms and charity

I had a 'Girl's Night In' on the weekend, which involves holding a party and female friends coming along to donate what they would normally spend on a night out to women's cancers. We raised $685.00! What generous souls they are. Boy was wonderful and spent the entire weekend working away to make it a great night. We made Spanish tapas and had a bowl of Pimms Number 1 Cup, some rose' sangria and lots of other drinks to make it a great night. We are both completely exhausted now though and I fear that I am coming down with a cold - laryngitis again I bet! I can feel that familiar raspy tightness in my throat. Oh well... the old body is telling me to rest so I best go and do that (and drink lots of pineapple juice too).

Only three days of work this week as i am back to the docs on Thursday for another biopsy and dna test. Sadly I find myself looking forward to a few days of enforced rest.

Selection Criteria Blankness

Arrgghhh!!!! After feeling so confident about my abilities for this new job, I cant get through the selection criteria! They are quite tricky - perhaps if I spent less time here and more thinking about what I do in my job I would be getting further with them. Procrastination has always been a strong point for me.

It is really windy tonight, they have predicted cooler weather tomorrow and it is blowing a gale outside. I just want to curl up with a glass of wine and relax. Glad I am not studying anymore!

Job Changes

I have decided, with some certainty, to apply for this new job. I think it will be a good change and while it will be a pretty major shift for me, I am sure it will work out well. Over the years, I have come to believe that the Universe puts things out for us at the right time. Of course, it is only right if we recognise it to be so, but perhaps that is part of it! Anyway - I feel ready for a change. Even if I don't get the job, thinking about it has set me in another direction so whatever happens will be good.

I should start writing the application, it won't start itself. This is the hard part. I find it hard to stop sometimes, I just blather on and on and on........

I have been a bit slack with the old blog recently and started to think about the way that this had become a place to put down my thoughts when I was feeling low. I realise that I am in a particularly good frame of mind at the moment - despite this being the weekend when I am normally a bit hormonally 'unstable'. A few things have contributed to this. I have been quite active recently and since last week's ride into the botanic gardens have been itching to get cycling again this weekend. There is a certain type of vitality that I get from riding, perhaps associated with the increase in lung capacity and strength in my legs from a solid ride.

The weather is beautiful, I have embraced the heat of summer - even though it is still spring. There is a clear sky after a week of storms and a breeze that is making it very hard for me to stay indoors to finish this! Boy is off to cricket again today and will have a brilliant day - just perfect weather for being out on the field.

My recent work project that was giving me some profound levels of stress has entered a phase where things are going well. It is up and running and in two weeks time I will be done with the election process for another year - which means that I can get on with doing the other stuff I am paid for. The fact that I am doing two managers roles at the moment is bothering me less because I have reached a certain equanimity with it. I have decided that I can't take ownership for their decision to load me down with two jobs and can only get through what I can. I know I work really hard and if I don't get things done as quickly as I should - it is not through lack of effort. Also, I think it might all be over sooner than I thought as another job opportunity has come along. I haven't ever been in the position where I have been approached to apply for a job but was yesterday and for the first time in years feel like I could be quite interested in this new role. It would be working in a great office for some great people. The work would be interesting and challenging and I would be away from a lot of the politics which I have been surrounded by in my current job - although to some extent it would be jumping into a higher level of politics but I have got better at dealing with it over the last few years.

So there is all of that. Also, I have decided to have a party. Haven't had one in a long time but am doing this to raise money for women's cancers so feel better about the idea of it. I feel particularly uncomfortable having a party to celebrate something about myself but this way I i get my friends together for a good reason too.

So things are going pretty well. I feel great, am getting better at dealing with my stress at work and am probably more pleasant as a result. I have the appointment at the beginning of November so hopefully the doc will have decent news for me after that. Either way, I am going into it from a positive space and will have a holiday later that month to deal with it all - whichever way it turns out.

Time is flying so quickly at the moment - already it is October! Work continues to get crazier and crazier but today I have stopped caring because it is the weekend and too beautiful a day to waste it worrying about stuff that does not matter.

I went to see a comedian from Yorkshire last night with some friends. We got rather drunk and had a good night all round. The show was not stand up but rather a commentary on a man's life - a particular man who spent his time cataloguing compilation tapes that people had put together. It was a beautiful show and it left me thinking about a lot of things.

Today, boy is playing cricket so I decided it was time to get back on the bike! I finally got a new pump for the tyres which was sadly quite an exciting purchase. It means that I dont have to start every trip with a visit to a service station to fill up the tyres and it feels like I will have more freedom somehow. Anyway, I rode into the city to out botanic gardens. It was so beautiful along the river. It has been a hot day but there was a lovely breeze - salty air and fresh smells. I stopped in the gardens and had a mineral water and then just lay on the grass for about half an hour. I hadn't thought to bring a book so just watched the Queen Palms moving gently overhead in the breeze. I haven't felt this relaxed in ages. While I quickly realised how much I have lost in terms of fitness, it was a great way to work off the stress. There is nothing like the pain in the thighs and the full use of the lungs to make you feel alive.

It is still hot now. I have had a shower and it is close to that summer experience of feeling damp straight away. it is not humid but it looks like a storm is brewing so it will soon be a balmy night! I am making chilli con carne for dinner with tortillas and corn on the cob. I love this meal, as does boy. England are playing Australia in the rugby tonight and although I wouldnt normally watch football I think we probably will this evening. Chilli, a few Coronas and the football. Seems to fit together well!

What a crazy time!!! I have been given a second job at work which is starting to challenge even my work ethic! I am normally happy to work as hard as I need to but this week has pushed me a bit too far and I am afraid that next week will be the same. I have had a great weekend though - heaps of sunshine, fresh air and good food. Just trying not to think of Monday - not just yet.

This too will pass....

Another lovely weekend. Yesterday, boy and I went to a nursery to have a look for a few new plants. It was really just an excuse to get out into this beautiful sunny weather, it is so good for the soul. Being in that space, a sunny warm day and just a touch of a gentle breeze made me feel so happy. I love strolling around with the lad, I enjoy his company so much. Last night, he made crumbed pork for dinner which was delicious. He made fresh breadcrumbs from a leftover ciabatta loaf and we put some herbs from the garden into it as well which made it just lovely. I watched the football finals with him before falling asleep on the couch.

Today is another sunny one - quite warm too! I seems that winter is well and truly over with temperatures around 28/29 degrees. I took the hairy one out for a walk this morning which she enjoyed. We didn't take her out yesterday so she had lots of new smells to process on the familiar walk to the shops. She is feeling the heat today and has been trying to find the spot with the most breeze to kip in.

Outside, the plants are rustling in the afternoon breeze which brings the heady scent of jasmine and magnolia flowers through the house. This truly is spring to me.

I was feeling a bit flat this morning but recognising that it is likely to be hormonal in origin, decided to take some time to sit in the sun and enjoy the warmth of the day. After a day in the garden yesterday, it looks so beautiful and is a glorious place to sit and read.

This afternoon we will enjoy a few drinks with friends. It will be nice to go out for the afternoon but I must say I am looking forward to tonight. Boy is picking up some salmon from the fishmonger which we will have with some beetroot risotto (with beets from the garden - they are fnally ready to harvest!!!). Yum.

I am so exhausted. I had a lovely weekend with boy and went out with the folks for yum cha on Sunday. It was lovely to spend the day together. Sometimes I feel so sad when I spend the day with my family, it is always so good to see them but then I think about losing them and I can barely stand the pain at the thought of anything happening to them. The same thing happens when I have to leave boy for any period of time, I just can't stand the idea of being separated from those I love. Dad always seems so happy to catch up with us, I love them all so much.

I feel so tired now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my doctor's appointment last week and can't shake the thought that what I have wrong with me is very bad. I keep thinking about the first time I went to see her. She asked me to complete the hospital forms - just in case the results of the test confirmed CIN. I think she knew that they would, which is why she got me to fill it all in. All I can think of now is that she wants me to go back to see her because she knows that it will come back. I don't know what they will need to do if it does - it could mean any number of things I suppose but I have a great fear that she is concerned it will come back or that there is a particularly high risk of it turning to cancer.

I guess we will deal with whatever comes up but I am just so tired.

tea, yoga and very little sleep

Had a nice day off work yesterday. Ostensibly it was to rest after seeing the doctor but in reality this took on a more metaphysical definition. I dealt with all of my bills in the morning and then treated myself to a coffee. It is not often that I stop for a coffee when I am out, I always reason that I am better off just getting home. Yesterday though, I went into a cafe I hadn't visited for a while. I got a paper and enjoyed just sitting for a while.

Then I went into one of my favourite shops, which is a tea shop. Just a tiny little shop lined with tins and tins of teas from all over the world. Every time I go in there I get inspired to drink more tea -it was through this shop that I realised what tea should taste like. I love a good strong cup of tea with milk and sugar as much as the next English gal but this tea - I never put sugar or milk into. It is divine - not bitter at all and they all have the most sublime aromas. Yesterday I bought a Stockholm Blend - my first foray into flavoured teas. On a base of black tea, it has orange peel, safflowers, claendula, rose patals, vanilla and apricot. I had a full pot of it yesterday and can see it would make a lovely iced tea in the warmer months.

After a terrible night of sleep (or put another way - a night of very little sleep), I woke rattled, worried and cranky. I realised that boy had got up early before going out to golf to do a cleanup and put on some washing so that I didn't have to. He really is a beautiful and thoughtful soul. I clearly have some issues and need to start looking inward a bit more to find the cause of my unease. After he left, I rolled out my yoga mat and worked through a good hour of postures. My yoga teacher explained this week that hip exercises are particularly good for clearing emotional 'blockages' and unconsciously I focused on these exercises when starting this morning. I now feel much clearer and settled. Ready for a new day, I am heading out with the dog to enjoy this fine Spring day.

Back again

I went back to the doc today to get a check up on the healing process after my operation. The healing is going well so I am glad that I have been so careful. She said that it was quite aggressive and a lot had to be removed - also that she thought there was a good chance of infection because of this. I have to go back in two months for more tests and so she can check nothing is coming back. I just occurred to me just how close I came to cancer there - from what she was saying, a large area was badly affected and the CIN had gone into all of the sample she took. If I had left it much longer, it would have turned. It certainly puts things into a unique perspective hearing this sort of thing.

I am back to yoga regularly which has helped me reach a positive place emotionally as well as moving more freely.

Imbolg! Welcome Spring

To celebrate the official start to Spring, boy cooked an amazing meal for my friend C and I. With a fresh vegetable stock, we had a Spring Minestrone with freshly made pesto. Then he made a scrumptous mixed mushroom risotto - that boy can cook!!! It was a great night with a much more wine that we should have drank but it was a really fun night with lots of laughs. There was the obligatory music face-off which normally ends with The Cure's 'So What' but this evening was a battle over the acceptability of Nouvelle Vague appropriating some of C and my favourite songs. So after boy had his go flipping through a few tracks, he got to hear the originals for the next hour (granted, he only had a short flick through the songs before we took over. Poor guy) He was treated to Sisters of Mercy, Jesus and Mary Chain, Joy Division, and a bit of Bauhaus. It ceased to matter that not all of these bands had been covered but we were on a roll to educate him about how the songs should sound. The thing is that NV would be enjoyable listening to it on the surface, I enjoy bossa nova a lot. I just really dislike the way that they use the songs that I have loved most of my life and that have a particular place in many hearts - that place is certainly not a dance class!

Anyway.. it was a fun night and now I have a wee hangover. I always find myself feeling happy not being a smoker any more after nights like that, those smoking hangovers were killers!! I also realised that I have reached 'a certain age' this morning when I woke up and thought to myself that a walk would be the best thing to fix the hangover! Once, my first priority would have been to seek out the closest provider of bacon now I am thinking about fresh air and a cup of tea!

It is such a beautiful day out there today. Flowers are blooming everywhere and the air is so fragrant. Our jasmine is fully in bloom, how beautiful it is. I was going to see a film today but I think a day in the garden with a book is the order of the day.

Blood Moon

We had an extraordinary eclipse last night, there was a perfect alignment of the earth, sun and moon which had the effect of the Earth's shadow moving across the moon. While the moon was eclipsed, it appeared red (some say because of pollution in the atmosphere from fires around the planet). It was an amazing thing to watch the movement of the planets. All the time, we are witnessing this without giving it any thought but seeing the moon move into darkness was quite profound.


People have reported feeling a little odd or off colour today. Myself, I have found my own cycle linked well into the lunar cycle. Strangely, I have had little pain today which is normally my most painful day.

Vege patch

There is some great growth in the patch at the moment. The warmer days must have given the plants a bit of a wake-up. The paw paw has a few fruits starting to grow and the herbs are growing rapidly, I have never had parsley that looks so good. I planted out some zucchinis and squash plants today as well so hopefully they will go well. Zucchinis have always grown well in our patch but there are always things beyond our control at play in the garden. I will just let nature decide what is going to succeed and be grateful for whatever she provides. It is a joy to be outside.

A week of rain

We have had a fantastic week of rain - finally!!! It was so dry but the rain has helped things a lot - at least in the garden if not in our dams. Today it is sunny (for the moment, it looks like more clouds are approaching) and it is a nice day to be outside in the warm breezy air. I had a burst of activity this morning and cleaned up the vegetable patch. We seem to have an infestation of a new weed - perhaps it seeded from the mulch. Thankfully it is easy to pull up but it moves fast and has taken over the patch. It is amazing how quickly the beds fell into a crazed state while I was inattentive. Luckily, things have kept growing and it looks lovely again now. I can't wait to harvest the beetroot. There are a few bulbs emerging from the ground so it shouldn't be long now.

It is funny to be reading Jitterbug Perfume at the moment as beetroots keep turning up throughout the story with the accompanying idea that they are ugly things. I love beets, to me they are stunning - what other plant draws up such a magnificent red through its veins? The colour of beetroot is mother nature at her best.

signs of Spring - number 3

The Jasmine is tumbling over the fence and is so close to flowering. I can almost taste the explosion of scent that will accompany the blooming.

within, deeper and deeper

A book I read about women's cycles spoke of the connection they have to lunar cycles. The author said that typically, our cycles move through levels of energy and engagement (like the waxing of the moon) before a period of inward lookingness and introspection during menstruation (waning). Since this operation, I have been completely separated from my cycle and as such, from the ebbs and flows of inward and outward focusing of energy.

I have skipped my period a number of times to enable me to monitor my recovery (which has hit a bit of a bump in the road recently and I seem to be going backwards a bit just now). The pain and bleeding has made me feel like I have been having a period constantly for the past few weeks but without the hormonal release that normally accompanies it. I find myself in a state of introspection and with a focus on nurturing , which must be what my body needs but it is split with a competing need to use the increased energy I have been feeling. I am, at the same time, trying to reconcile a tendency towards inward and outer focus - how can that be sustained?

I took the step to see a naturopath today to seek some additional healing advice. I know that there are various vitamins and minerals that can assist in healing after operations and thought it would be good to get a bit more organised with this. I always feel calm about these matters before I start speaking to people about them so by the time I had finished talking to her, she seemed a rather concerned overall - so she has added some sort of stress assistance in her potion which in retrospect will be a welcome bonus. The mixture that she gave me is actually quite soothing in taste as well which must be a bonus after some stories I have heard from friends recently with mixes they have been given.

Hopefully this will help me along. I need to try to stay out of this mire that I am so predisposed to.

I wish I could draw

I wish I could draw. I recently found a gorgeous book of botanical art which I finally bought after coveting it for some time in a local store. It was one of those books that sat up on a high display shelf, a thing of beauty proudly shown off by the owner who was obviously pleased with himself at having found such a beauty. I stop in this book store on my way home quite regularly - it is a small and independently owned store with staff who love what they do. I loathe going into bookstores where the staff have no interest in reading. This store is full of people who are always absorbed in some book or another and there is a shelf behind the counter displaying what each of the staff are currently reading. It is through this shelf that I develop unclaimed loyalties to certain staff over others.

Anyway, the drawing... I have never been able to draw, partly due to an inability to control perspective. I either run out of room on the page or end up drawing the object ridiculously small. I have always loved botanical art, the way that an artist can identify the singular beauty of a leaf or petal resonates deeply. The study of a plant through art is wonderful to me, surely there is no better way to understand the inner workings of a flower or seed than to disassemble and draw it. Alas, I am constrained by my embarrassment and will keep drawing away in secret until I can muster up something that at least resembles what I am attempting to draw.

Words on the street

Every so often, I walk home from work and revel in the chance to clear my mind and shift down a gear or two before getting home. Now that the days are getting longer again, I will start walking home more. On my walk, I pass a section of the path outside a banking building where someone has engraved 'Where is the War on Greed' into wet cement. I love seeing this, we had so much of the supposed 'war on terror' shoved down our gullets for so long.

Walking home gives me some time to slow down the mind after what has invariably been a madly busy day. I often find it difficult to come home after work and shift straight into home mode. I find myself approaching things as I do at work and, if it has been a particularly bad day, can get a bit cranky about things not being done properly or too slowly. It is a crazy thing to think because my aim is always to slow down, I guess sometimes it takes a bit of time to get to slow.

It is great to feel some energy again. I am finally feeling relatively normal again. I have been trying to not be so introverted and have been getting out to see friends and have been to a few concerts recently which has been fantastic. So many bands are touring at the moment, there always seems to be something on. I feel happier again and importantly, lighter in spirit. I really enjoyed walking home yesterday along the river and got up early today to take the dog for a long morning walk. We did a huge spring clean which has been welling in me for a long time for me. There is so much dust in the house and now that the hairy one has started to shed her winter coat, there is dog hair blowing through the house like tumbleweeds. For what seems like the first time in ages, we have the day at home together tomorrow, doing nothing. I am really looking forward to a day of real rest - perhaps we will get into the garden and get things ready for Spring or maybe just spend the day reading the papers and our books. Whatever it is, I dont mind, it will just be nice to hang out with the boy in this perfect weather.

Book Unsuggester

I just came across a great website, it is an unsuggester. You type in the title of a book that you like and it will return a large list of books that you will not enjoy. It has been right with all the ones I put in. Funny stuff....

http://www.librarything.com/unsuggester

Sunday Cricket

Boy's cricket team made it through to the semi-finals, an accomplishment which he was most proud of. The pooch and I have been going along to support the team a bit recently and went again on Sunday for the semi-final. It was a lovely day - the weather was perfect and my Dad came along with me. I love having a day with Dad, it is nice to have a chance to natter away for a few hours. He is a great story teller and always has much to say. We packed a few flasks of tea and a mountain of sandwiches. I also found a packet of 'McVitties Chocolate Digestives' - a favourite which we munched our way through. Boy's team won by a mile and the game was over quicker than I have ever seen. I think it meant a lot to him that Dad came along. He played really well, as usual, and the team were all really excited. As he gets older, his body is resisting the traumatic movement which is bowling and I think it is going to be very hard for him to let the game go when the time comes. It has been with him all his life, and bonded him closely to his Grandpa, these things are hard to let go of.

Signs of Spring - number 2

This evening I came home from work just after dusk - which is getting later by the day - and was met by the most delightful scent of port wine magnolia flowers. I can't find the flower on the bush but the smell is unmistakable.

I can't wait for another weekend.

Signs of Spring - number 1

While it is only August, today seems to herald the start of Spring. The temperature has risen and the sky is clear and blue. I noticed that the jasmine creeping over the front fence is full of flower buds. There is nothing quite like the scent of Jasmine on a warm breeze. We even have a camelia bush that is full of flowers -it almost went unnoticed.

All of a sudden, everything feels different. I finally have some energy after all the flatness of the past few months. It is like a type of inward looking hibernation has ended and with the warmth I am starting again. I took the pooch out for a walk (the first long one in months). The park was full of people lying in the sun reading weekend papers. The shops are full of crates of strawberries - shiny and deliciously red. I am taken by a need to sit in the sun with Harry..

I must give some thought to the garden, new veges will need to be planted. It will almost be time for zucchinis and cucumbers, how rewarding they are to grow.

the air doesnt quite smell like spring yet though.

Favourite Books

I always had trouble spelling 'favourite' when I was a kid. I remember my mother telling me "it is just like 'favour' but with 'ite' on the end", which was of course useless because I couldn't remember how to spell that either!

Anyway, I have been thinking about this issue of my list of favourite books. It is a tricky issue to be sure. So far, I can say that somewhere in the list would be Haruki Murakami's Wind-up Bird Chronicle and something by Margaret Attwood. I was close to deciding which of her books would make it into my list but then got myself into a tangle. These things need to be taken slowly and given the consideration they need.

chilli heat

My hands are burning...... I just roasted and ground some chillis but made the mistake of using my hands to put it into the salsa.

Whenever I have a chilli burn, it reminds me of the burns in my lifetime - they are perplexing experiences. Apart from the fact that they can hurt, a lot sometimes, the sense of heat stays with you all the way through the healing process (until the itching starts). It is this feeling of heat that is so interesting though. Our first response is to process the feeling as pain but when you can take a step away from the thought of pain and just watch the sensation, it is more of a very intense warmth. Of course, my burns have always been small and it would be a totally different experience for those poor souls with large burns - there would be nowhere to go to escape it then.

coming home

Mohammed is ok. It is amazing to think that he was out of his anaesthetic within a day after all of that work. He is coming home this week and the hospital will send people to check on him. Nothing like being at home.

We are all so happy you are well.

Inshallah - healing wishes to Mohammed

My neighbour, Mohammed, recently had a bleed on his brain which was successfully operated on. Just last week though, after a check-up, he found out that he had another bleed in the centre of his brain and was rushed into surgery this morning.

He is a lovely, highly intelligent man and is like a father to so many of us in the street - and a great drinking companion too! He is a defender of people's rights and cares deeply for so many.

Inshallah Mohammed - we are all praying for you in all of our different ways. Hopefully between us all we will have you covered...

Sunday morning

Another beautiful day, the sky is as clear as a bell and there is still a slight chill to the air. I love this time of year. A gentle breeze is moving through the windchimes and there is the quiet hum of a small plane putting away out of sight. It is such a treat to have a chance to just sit and listen for a time.

After an unusually social weekend I am spending today at home today and hope to do as little as possible. I have a pile of old 80's films that I borrowed from a friend and I am sure they will keep me occupied. With my natual state being towards introversion, the last few days of being out and about have left me looking forward to recharging away from people for a day. It has been great to see old friends though, it is so easy to lose contact with people as we are all busily overcomplicating our lives.

New Books

Having finished Haruki Murakami's new book After Dark, my love of his writing has been re-ignited. I went to a great local bookstore to find a new book to read, which is normally a difficult task after finishing a good one. The thing I love about this particular bookstore is that they only have a few shelves of books but each book is chosen carefully by the owner - who incidentally has remarkably good literary taste (which is perhaps an indirectly egotistical thing to say because by this I am saying that I like her taste, so to suggest that she has great taste is to say that I do too - I suppose we can only work from what we enjoy!) Anyway.... I like going there because I know I can pick up any book on the shelves and know that there is a very good likelihood that I will enjoy it. Also, the owner is always happy to have a chat and recommends books that she has particularly enjoyed.

I came away from my recent visit with three new books. One was a yoga book from the sale table. One was Haruki's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, which is a collection of his short stories. I am not normally a lover of short stories because they often leave me wanting more than is contained in each story but I started this one by reading his introduction where he explained his joy at writing short stories and that he always writes a series of short stories after a novel. As you would expect, some of the themes from short stories re-emerge in his novels - I am expecting that it will be a nice experience to read a story that has in concept been part of a much-loved book. It might be like revisiting as an adult a place that was full of memories from childhood. Looking at things through a different set of eyes - eyes with more knowledge and that know what will happen whereas the ones that saw before were seeing for the first time. Thinking about it now, I always loved fairy tales and stories as a young girl and it is a shame to lose that as we get caught up in reading novels as adults. It seems somehow frivolous to read a short story but what a joy a good one is.

The other book I got was Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. The owner of the store said it was her favourite book and that Tom Robbins is to her, similar to Haruki Murakami. I love reading books that people recommend as their favourite (well, if I enjoy their taste in literature) It is always so interesting to hear what books people have chosen as their favourites, particularly as the favourite was normally read some time ago and has forged itself into their consciousness to stay with them for that long. I dont know if I could narrow down my favourites to a single book but might be able to get to 5. I will have to think about what they are.

One week later

It has been a week now since the op and I am finally feeling a bit more normal again (emotionally). I have been overdoing things physically and am in a bit of pain again so will not be doing much over the weekend.

Talking to a colleague, T, yesterday encouraged me to reconnect with what I have learnt and valued from yoga. It is easy when we are healthy to enjoy the benefits of a holistic approach to living but I have not used this enough over the past few months. I got the new Yoga Journal magazine which had a great article about sadness and the importance of maintaining mindfulness during low periods - not always trying to escape it. There was a great technique included in the article for meditation on sadness. It has helped.

Back to T though, she is going through some hard times and seems to be suffering from anxiety or at least panic attacks. In her case, there may be a clear physical reason for this and hopefully she will find out more after a specialist visit. In the meantime though, she has been struggling against some nasty experiences - fast heartbeat, pressure in the chest, fatigue and insomnia. Poor thing. My yoga centre have sent a voucher so that she can try it out. She has had the common experience dealing with a possible psychological disorder where doctors have not listened to her and are just prescribing drugs - like valium of all things! And telling her to relax - "practice breathing" they say but not one will ever give any real information about how to do this. Hopefully she will find that yoga and the meditation classes will help give her some skills that she can use. I know it has helped me greatly over the years.

Back into the world

I went back to work today which was probably a good thing - certainly a good thing to get away from my own thoughts and start to interact with people again. Although, I had a really nice day yesterday - particularly after boy brought home the new Murakami for me, it is wonderful (of course).

I had a call from the Doctor this afternoon to let me know that the sample had come back without invasive cancer - I dont know whether this means that some other form of cancer was found that wasnt invasive or whether this is just that the CIN3 cells were found without having progressed to cancer. I guess this is good news. I have to see her in just over a month to check on the recovery progress.

I still cannot stop reliving the process - it all happened so quickly that I have needed to keep going over everything that happened. I am sure that with time I will be able to let it all go but as long as I keep getting bills and calls, I stay with it. Also, it hasnt been even a week yet so perhaps I should just go with it. They say anaesthetic stays in your system for a while so it is no wonder really that I am still feeling skewed. I do need to find a way to re-place myself.

feeling a bit better

Starting to feel a bit better today. Yesterday I was feeling a bit flat and was starting to worry more about how to get back to normal and what that means. After going to the shops yesterday afternoon, I started feeling a bit sore and woozy again so put on some lamb shanks to cook and lay down with a book and a cup of tea. Then boy came home from work and brought some life back into the house with him. It was nice to cook dinner for him after all of his caring for me over the past month. I cooked the shanks with tomatoes and lentils and they were lovely and tender - a nice comforting meal.

After a good night sleep I decided to stay in bed until I finished my book (A Spot of Bother) and when I finally got up I was greeted by a lovely warm winter's day. I have almost finished my knitting which seems somehow symbolic in that I started knitting just before I had my breast biopsy as a way to calm and focus my thoughts. I think that it is time to move on from this once i have finished my - well whatever it is, still thinking of a pillowcase.

Today has been quite lovely really - people have been mowing their lawns so there is a nice smell of freshly cut grass in the air. The day is sunny and warm and as a result I have been feeling happier, despite myself. I had a nice midday surprise when boy came home for a cup of tea and brought the new Haruki Murakami book for me - he is such a thoughtful soul. It will be nice to sit on the verandah this afternoon and get into the book. Time to pop the kettle on and enjoy what is left of this day.

Feeling a bit flat today. I am sure that it is to be expected after all of the recent activities and events. There has been so much happening recently that it is hard to let go of that feeling. I am not feeling too bad physically today but it is more my emotional state that is bothering me. I know that if I went back to work I would be tired and it would be too soon but I am spending a bit too much time rolling around in my own head today. I think I might try to get outside later and get some fresh air. If the dog could be trusted not to act like a banshee it would be nice to take her out but she pulls on the lead and it can even be a bit much when I am feeling well. I think I am getting sick of sitting around though and it might be nice to create something nourishing for dinner - and by way of thanks to boy for taking such good care of me. My problem is getting to the shops and carrying everything back. Perhaps I need to just wait for another day and let myself heal a bit more before venturing too far. I am sure I would feel a bit better if I at least got out of these tracksuit pants! Problem is that they are comfy while I have these cramping pains.

Also, I am trying to stop with the painkillers today to see how bad things actually are, by lunchtime I have noticed that there is still some pain. I should just rest again for another day - plenty of time to get active again.

recovery time

After the surreal experience of my first hospital visit, I am now in the recovery zone. The first day was fine - I expect that there was so much medication in my system that my body didnt know what was going on. The hospital experience was not unpleasant - while I was worried about it at the time, looking back on it now it wasn't bad. Everyone was so caring and positive, and it all happened so quickly that I did not have much time to think about what was happening.. The weirdest part was of course the operating theatre. Seeing a room from the position on the bed I didnt have a chance to look around. All I saw were people moving around me as they put on monitors for various functions and the odd piece of equipment moving past me. The smell and cold sense of antiseptic liquid was pervasive but then as quickly as I arrived in the theatre, I felt my hand start to tingle. I mentioned this to the doctor who said it was quite normal and that yes, this was it as I drifted off..... and then awake again in the recovery ward.

I awoke in a rather comfy bed with a big pillow under my head. The oxygen had a slight smell of chocolate and then I drifted off again. I moved in and out of wakefulness for about half an hour - who knows really? Was given some painkillers and drifted out again. Eventually I came around and was given some tea and a few sandwiches. I didnt think I would feel hungry but once the anaesthetic started to recede I was famished after not having eaten for about 12 hours. The last thing I had eaten was a homemade minestrone that the lovely boy had carefully prepared (complete with homemade vegetable stock) - wonderfully nourishing! As I sat down to a cheese sandwich, my boy appeared in front of me and I was so happy to see him.. I think I was a bit delirious as I started telling him all about the events and all the people who were involved. I felt suprisingly chipper considering everything. Amazing people anaesthetists!

After a day of sitting around, my arm is starting to hurt where the iv went in and I am quite sore and cramped. I am putting aside the knitting to let my arm rest and think I will have some soup and watch another film now. Time to get foetal again.

getting cosy with the medical profession

It is interesting how much things can change in a month. I have just seen a gynaecologist to get a biopsy of my cervix taken after a concerning result on a recent pap smear. Today, I am feeling ok save for a cramping uterus wondering what I have done to it.

I went to the doctor for the usual two year check-up (but six months late). I wasn't expecting much but felt glad that I finally got around to making the appointment. I had a small lump in my breast that had come and gone a few times but asked the doctor to have a check of it - just in case. She said I should get it checked, particularly as there is breast cancer in my maternal family. At the time I wasn't too bothered as I was more concerned about the impending pap smear, a procedure no woman I know enjoys and which causes me some considerable discomfort. Once I got to work that morning and called boy with the news, it hit me that I had a lump in my breast, in the same spot as my Aunt's cancer was. I managed to get into the Clinic within about a fortnight. The women at work - a few of which had had breast cancer themselves - said this would be too long but I wasn't too concerned, until I realised that I was actually very worried about what it could mean.

My partner was worried but was unable to talk about it so it took the two of us having a row about something ridiculous before we realised how much it was affecting us both. We talked at length and came out better for it - thankfully because it was about to get harder as the appointment approached. The day before my appointment, I got a letter from the Doc calling me back to 'discuss the results of the smear'. Seemed innocuous - I thought it was probably just a bad sample and if anything felt annoyed about the idea of having to undergo another smear. I went in to the breast clinic and spent the morning having mammograms, physical exams, ultrasounds and meetings with doctors, before the moment when she said that they had found a lump - not the one I had found but another that was detected by the ultrasound. They wanted to do a fine needle biopsy. I had been told about these from one of the women at work who had come through breast cancer - "wont hurt" she said - bollocks!!! It bloody hurt They were able to give me the results that afternoon and thankfully it was a benign cyst.

That afternoon though, as we drove from the breast clinic, we called the GP to see if I could get an appointment. She called me in after almost an hour of waiting (still in pain from the breast experience) to tell me that the cells from my smear were abnormal - badly. She said it was CIN3 - severely dysplastic carcinoma in situ. God knows what that was supposed to mean but essentially it was that the majority of the cells from the full layer of the cervix skin were affected pre-cancer cells. This was not good news to receive - neither was the treatment option that she presented. At the time that was the least of my worries but I now know that it would have been a very bad option. So it was that I left the GP again trying to contain the tears which were not far away.

We had another two weeks to wait until I could get in to the gynaecologist . I spent this time worrying about the likelihood of cervical cancer. The level of the results indicated that the cells were badly affected. I worried more about this because I know that a lot of women had lumps in their breasts and the vast majority of these are benign. I knew that a lot of women have abnormal pap smear results but that many of these were level 1 or 2 - not 3. I felt sick at the idea of a biopsy being taken - mainly because it would not be done under anaesthetic. I worked myself into quite a state before the appointment.

Thankfully it is done now and I had a great doctor - she was patient and explained the procedure to me and what my results meant. The biopsy hurt just a little bit and i am now in pain that is similar to period paid - apparently the uterus reacts to the biopsy 'trauma'. I have to wait until Monday for the results but she asked me to fill in the hospital forms for surgery as it is likely I will need an operation to remove a layer of my cervix. The affected cells (which she could see with a light emitting microscope with the aid of vinegar sprayed on the cells) are localised near the entrance of the cervix and have not moved towards the uterus so it is not as bad an operation as it could have been. The alternative is to remove quite a large section of the cervix as it approaches the uterus. She said there is only a 12% chance of these cells becoming cancerous and they will monitor me after the operation (done mercifully under general anaesthetic) to check on the progress.

Now, I feel a sense of relief. Despite the idea of going into hospital hanging over my head, I know what i am dealing with now - and the appointment with her is done so I don't have to worry about that anymore. My partner is feeling better about things and said last night that it has finally started to sink in that I will be alright. We are so happy that the thought of something like this coming between us now seemed so unjust. We will be able to deal with anything after this - what a month though!

It is exhausting to think of what we have gone through and I am so tired now. I am almost looking forward to a hospital visit so that I can get rid of these cells from my body. Knowing they are there makes me annoyed with my body. At least I don't have too long to wait to find out the results. I think I am prepared for the idea of hospital but only time will tell - I am sure I have a bit more worrying up my sleeve yet.

sunday dal

In my search for the perfect Dhal recipe, I have been asking people about their favourite recipes. Today I tried a new one from someone who kindly shared a few with me.. Many thanks to Raji for this one.

The technique is similar to other dhals but there is a distinct flavour to this - perhaps due to the tamarind and lemon juice. It would be a good one to accompany other dishes.

Raji’s GUJARATI DAL
Ingredients
2 cups toovar dal
1 cup yam ,
chopped2 tablespoons peanuts

Other ingredients
marble sized ball of tamarind, soaked or 1 tbsp tamarind paste
1 tomato,
chopped50 grams jaggery
juice of 1/2 lemon
1 piece ginger, diced
4 green chillies, slit
1/2 teaspoon chilli powder
1/2 teaspoon turmeric powder

For the tempering
1/4 teaspoon mustard seeds
1/4 teaspoon cumin seeds
1/4 teaspoon fenugreek seed
10 to 12 curry leaves
2 cloves
2 sticks cinnamon
1 bay leaf
2 small round red chillies
1/2 teaspoon asafoetida
2 tablespoons ghee
1 tablespoon oil
salt ot taste

For the garnish
4 tablespoons chopped coriander

Method
1. Wash and pressure cook the dal in 4 cups of water.
2. In another vessel, pressure cook the yam, peanuts
3. When the dal is cooked, cool slightly and blend till it is smooth.
4. Prepare the tempering by heating the ghee and oil and adding the mustardseeds, cumin seeds, fenugreek seeds, curry leaves, cloves, cinnamon, bayleaf, red chillies and asafoetida.
5. Add 3 cups of water, the tamarind, tomato, jaggery, lemon juice, ginger,green chilli, chilli powder and turmeric powder and simmer for 10 minutes.
6. Add the dal, yam pieces, peanuts and salt and simmer for 10 to15 minutes.7. Serve hot garnished with coriander.

lost baggage

I had an email from a member of my step-family who I haven't seen for a long time. In fact, I haven't seen half of my family for a long time either so receiving this email has thrown me back to a time in my life that I had managed to put behind me with some degree of success. While I had thought I had actually dealt with some of the stuff that happened, it is clear to me that I have not dealt with much of it at all. While the email itself was a nice surprise, it reminded me of a lot of people that have caused a lot of pain in my life. It will be good to catch up with her though, she was always a lovely kid. I had wondered whether there was something behind her making contact but realise that at some point I have to let go of mistrust and take things at face value.

It seems that the emotional baggage I thought was well lost has found me again.

Million Paws Walk

The RSPCA has an annual fundraiser called the "Million Paws Walk" which involves thousands of people across the country bringing their dogs along for a walk and a host of activities. We have been meaning to go for years now but finally got around to taking the hairy one along this year.

It was such a fun day which was really well attended. Having a mad kelpie, we were a bit worried that she would get a little over excited (she loves to round up other dogs) but once she realised that there would be unlimited access to dogs she settled right down and had a ball. She met up with her friend the spoodle and spent all day in a state of complete joy. She even got to run an obstacle course - we were so proud of her.

The RSPCA did a great job and hopefully they raised a lot of money for all the amazing work they do. We will certainly be going along next year and have decided that since we dont know the little one's birthday, Million Paws Walk day will be her 'Dog's day'.

silencio!

I have lost my voice! I woke up this morning and couldn't make a sound. I caught a bit of a cold and this is where it led.

I went into work this morning and sent an email to let people know that I couldn't talk which was met with people coming to my office asking me questions. When I whispered my weak replies, many responded with something like 'oh, can't you speak'

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough when I said that I had no voice.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I heard that Eric Bana is set to play the part of Henry in the film adaptation of 'The Time Traveler's Wife' by Audrey Niffenegger. This was a truly wonderful book but, while Eric Bana is a talented actor, I am having trouble seeing him in this role. I am so thankful to a friend for lending me this unsuspecting book, I had it for a while before I had a chance to properly devote myself to it. When I started, I was completely captivated. The book has been lent continually around the office and groups of friends and has proven to be a topic of energetic discussion. It was one of those books that will stay with me forever, such a compelling and thoughtfully crafted story.

In simplistic terms, the story is about Henry and his wife Clare. Henry suffers from a genetic disorder called Chrono-Impairment that causes him to time-travel. He cannot control when it will happen or where he will end up but it appears that his travelling is linked to stress and anxiety so he runs compulsively. He seems to travel to places and times which are linked to his memories (those which he has had or will have). I didn't expect to like this book - no summary could elicit the beauty of the story. Just read it...

My Granny's cooking

I was recently given a copy of 'The Big Book of Best-Kept Secrets of the Women's Institute' which has a wonderful 249 pages of scrumptous recipes. My Granny was a member of the WI when she was a bit younger and I regularly hound her for her recipes but am never armed with pen and paper when I ask. She will generally be happy to tell me her recipes but whenever I ask she just jumps straight into it "you just mix 'x' amount of flour with so many eggs and a bit of sugar, bake it on ........ ". I tried baking one of her cakes recently and while it wasn't a complete disaster, it certainly was not near her standard. If I lived in England where she is, I would visit her with a watchful eye as she prepared dinner (although braver souls than I have tried to be anywhere near the kitchen when she is cooking)

My Granny is a famously good cook, and she should be too with so much practice. She and my Grandpa used to eat a set meal each night of the week. After many years of visits, my Dad can list off which meal would be cooked on any given night. He could time a visit based on what would be cooking and often talks of her braised steak and onions (truly it is something to behold - served with peas and chips). For my money, her meat and potato pie is the pinnacle of culinary joy, particularly with her deftness with shortcrust pastry and just the right amount of sugar in her mushy peas.

Sadly, after Grandpa died last year, she has little motivation to cook for herself now and is losing too much weight despite her doctor's insistence that she take better care of herself. Always such a strong and vital woman she is finding few joys in life following the loss of her dear love. They were truly a wonderful model of married life, he loved her so deeply and she him. A year shy of 60 years of marriage, they were well-settled in their lives together. Creatures of routine to the end, she has to go on alone now but he is still very much part of her days. I know she talks to him still and continues to wonder at his collection of miscellany that she views as hoarding. I know Grandpa in this way for I am just as he was - you never know when you might need it. She is taking her time with the task of sorting his things out and in this way he stays closer to her. She is however a practical woman and is trying to decide what to do with it all - I am sure that with time she will get through it all, when she is ready to.

While it will pale in comparison, I plan to make her meat and potato pie with peas next Sunday to mark a year since Grandpa's passing. There are some smells that bring them closer to me and it will be nice to have that in my kitchen next weekend when I am thinking of him. The smell of a fresh pot of tea with water boiled on a gas stove also brings their kitchen close to me, I think I will put on a brew now...

Strange morning (mourning)

It has been an odd sort of morning. While doing the usual much-needed Saturday morning clean, I put on a CD to have a bit of a sing while dusting. Seemingly out of nowhere, I started crying - really crying like I have not done in a long time. I am sure it has been coming for a while but it really caught me off-guard.

It is coming up to a year since my much-loved Grandpa died, which has been weighing on my mind. It is one of those things that I keep thinking about but then decide that I will spend a proper day honouring him on his anniversary which is stupid really. Thinking about Grandpa has led me to think about losing the other people in my life who are so precious. I have been trying to grasp the Buddhist concept of 'impermanence' and cannot get close to it. I know that everything ends and we only have now but it is still so hard to imagine that one day my Dad won't be here anymore. He has been such an important part of my life and has always embodied hope to me. My parents separated when I was 12 and I lived with my mother and her new husband. Through some tough years, my Dad gave me most important support by helping me maintain who I was, despite the environment I was living in. He helped me to explore new ideas and encouraged interest in music, art and film - things that are so precious to me now. Most importantly, he kept me laughing and gave me the gift of seeing the ridiculous in all things. He will always be my dear friend and I will always be learning from him. I cannot imagine a life without my Dad and his endless supply of stories. It was the thought of future loss that made me so upset today. I wonder how he is feeling at the moment... he is very circumspect about life and its complexities but he must miss his Dad too. I hope he has some time in May to spend with Grandpa's memory.

That pesky pooch!

That naughty dog of mine keeps digging in my vegetable patch. This morning I went to have a look at how the beans are going and found a suspicious mound of mulch - but not a bone in sight. Perhaps she got confused and thought she had buried something there once. Who can blame her though - all that soft dirt that probably smells like heaven to her with all the manure. Still, she is very bad and is currently skulking around looking guilty.

Beans they are a growin'

I have been diligently sowing seeds for the autumn and winter seasons in the hope that we will be able to salvage enough water to feed the little veges when they start to grow. I have tried ‘Eden seeds’ this time after my partner got me a selection for Christmas last year. I felt bad taking advantage of a ‘going out of business sale’ at yet another nursery hit by the Australian drought but it was still a good chance to get a wide range of seeds to grow.

I put the seeds in last weekend and already a number of them have come up beautifully. I have planted out two lots of beans that have sprouted and am eagerly awaiting the growth of the rest of them. I thought that beans would be a good crop to try in a drought as they are fast growers and ‘fruit’ quickly. They add a lot of nitrogen to the soil so it will be great for future crops to be planted. As I don’t have a lot of room, they will be a good thing to plant against the fence where they wont take up a lot of space.

The quality of the stock from Eden seeds is excellent and they have beautiful old varieties of heirloom seeds. I am trying: Lazy Wife beans, Borlotti Beans, Bush beans, Epicure beans, snake beans and Scarlett Runner beans. That should keep us well fed for a while at least! I am also growing some beetroot which normally grows well and is so good for you.

The house is crammed full of buckets near every tap to catch all the overflow. We are not using tap water for the garden so now dodge buckets wherever we go!

I will post some pics of the bean progress on the weekend with my new camera.

Monday

Ah, Monday... I shouldn't be wishing away my time but getting to the end of another Monday does sometimes feel like an accomplishment. Even on those Mondays where little happens - like today - it is good to get home again. Mondays are generally a bit hazy as I never sleep properly on Sunday nights, surely a familiar story for most. It is a little weekly reminder of a life of insomnia still keeping me on my toes. For over a year now I have been sleeping soundly but as all reformed insomniacs know, the dark and lonely shadow of a sleepless night is never far enough away.

I have been watching my dog with her funny habits but on a tired night, I am somewhat envious of this creature who can trot around for a while before deciding that yes, a bit of a snooze would be nice now before I go any further....

Tonight I am looking forward to an old favourite comfort meal of lentils and sausages with a nice glass of red before curling up on the couch for the evening. It is cooling down overnight now which is something else to enjoy about coming home.

Sausages:
Tonight we are having chicken sausages with goats cheese and rocket - yum!

Lentils:
1 cup of puy lentils
1 carrot
1 leek
3 cloves garlic
tin of tomatoes
2 cups stock
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 bay leaf
splash of wine
fetta
spinach leaves
parsley to serve

Fry the leek and garlic, add the lentils and carrots and cook for a bit. Add the balsamic, tomatoes, stock and bay leaf and wine if you like. You might need to add a bit more water to just cover the lentils. Cover and cook for about 45 minutes, slowly.

When ready, crumble some fetta into the lentils and stir through the Spinach. Cook the sausages and serve on top with some parsley.

First Post

After reading so many blogs over recent years, I finally decided to jump into this strange world. I am not sure where it will go yet or if it will end up having a focus but I am sure that time will tell. In fact I find myself with little to say now that I have gone through the set-up.

I just purchased my first digital camera, which was a decision I was sure I would never make. The thing is, I have difficulty moving on from those things (inanimate things) that have been with me for a while. It is almost as if my old things will feel rejected at being replaced and I can't quite do that to something that has been so good to me. Until early this year, I had the same clock radio that I got when I was about 9 (I am now 31). I kept it partly because it still worked but mainly because of the sentiment it held. I listened to a lot of music on that radio - it taught me what I liked and woke me up after many nights of insomnia. Served me well that little one. Anyway.... the digital camera..... I think this is why I have finally decided to start a blog. I now have a way of putting up pics of the things I am doing, not that I have any yet but in time...