What a crazy time!!! I have been given a second job at work which is starting to challenge even my work ethic! I am normally happy to work as hard as I need to but this week has pushed me a bit too far and I am afraid that next week will be the same. I have had a great weekend though - heaps of sunshine, fresh air and good food. Just trying not to think of Monday - not just yet.

This too will pass....

Another lovely weekend. Yesterday, boy and I went to a nursery to have a look for a few new plants. It was really just an excuse to get out into this beautiful sunny weather, it is so good for the soul. Being in that space, a sunny warm day and just a touch of a gentle breeze made me feel so happy. I love strolling around with the lad, I enjoy his company so much. Last night, he made crumbed pork for dinner which was delicious. He made fresh breadcrumbs from a leftover ciabatta loaf and we put some herbs from the garden into it as well which made it just lovely. I watched the football finals with him before falling asleep on the couch.

Today is another sunny one - quite warm too! I seems that winter is well and truly over with temperatures around 28/29 degrees. I took the hairy one out for a walk this morning which she enjoyed. We didn't take her out yesterday so she had lots of new smells to process on the familiar walk to the shops. She is feeling the heat today and has been trying to find the spot with the most breeze to kip in.

Outside, the plants are rustling in the afternoon breeze which brings the heady scent of jasmine and magnolia flowers through the house. This truly is spring to me.

I was feeling a bit flat this morning but recognising that it is likely to be hormonal in origin, decided to take some time to sit in the sun and enjoy the warmth of the day. After a day in the garden yesterday, it looks so beautiful and is a glorious place to sit and read.

This afternoon we will enjoy a few drinks with friends. It will be nice to go out for the afternoon but I must say I am looking forward to tonight. Boy is picking up some salmon from the fishmonger which we will have with some beetroot risotto (with beets from the garden - they are fnally ready to harvest!!!). Yum.

I am so exhausted. I had a lovely weekend with boy and went out with the folks for yum cha on Sunday. It was lovely to spend the day together. Sometimes I feel so sad when I spend the day with my family, it is always so good to see them but then I think about losing them and I can barely stand the pain at the thought of anything happening to them. The same thing happens when I have to leave boy for any period of time, I just can't stand the idea of being separated from those I love. Dad always seems so happy to catch up with us, I love them all so much.

I feel so tired now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my doctor's appointment last week and can't shake the thought that what I have wrong with me is very bad. I keep thinking about the first time I went to see her. She asked me to complete the hospital forms - just in case the results of the test confirmed CIN. I think she knew that they would, which is why she got me to fill it all in. All I can think of now is that she wants me to go back to see her because she knows that it will come back. I don't know what they will need to do if it does - it could mean any number of things I suppose but I have a great fear that she is concerned it will come back or that there is a particularly high risk of it turning to cancer.

I guess we will deal with whatever comes up but I am just so tired.

tea, yoga and very little sleep

Had a nice day off work yesterday. Ostensibly it was to rest after seeing the doctor but in reality this took on a more metaphysical definition. I dealt with all of my bills in the morning and then treated myself to a coffee. It is not often that I stop for a coffee when I am out, I always reason that I am better off just getting home. Yesterday though, I went into a cafe I hadn't visited for a while. I got a paper and enjoyed just sitting for a while.

Then I went into one of my favourite shops, which is a tea shop. Just a tiny little shop lined with tins and tins of teas from all over the world. Every time I go in there I get inspired to drink more tea -it was through this shop that I realised what tea should taste like. I love a good strong cup of tea with milk and sugar as much as the next English gal but this tea - I never put sugar or milk into. It is divine - not bitter at all and they all have the most sublime aromas. Yesterday I bought a Stockholm Blend - my first foray into flavoured teas. On a base of black tea, it has orange peel, safflowers, claendula, rose patals, vanilla and apricot. I had a full pot of it yesterday and can see it would make a lovely iced tea in the warmer months.

After a terrible night of sleep (or put another way - a night of very little sleep), I woke rattled, worried and cranky. I realised that boy had got up early before going out to golf to do a cleanup and put on some washing so that I didn't have to. He really is a beautiful and thoughtful soul. I clearly have some issues and need to start looking inward a bit more to find the cause of my unease. After he left, I rolled out my yoga mat and worked through a good hour of postures. My yoga teacher explained this week that hip exercises are particularly good for clearing emotional 'blockages' and unconsciously I focused on these exercises when starting this morning. I now feel much clearer and settled. Ready for a new day, I am heading out with the dog to enjoy this fine Spring day.

Back again

I went back to the doc today to get a check up on the healing process after my operation. The healing is going well so I am glad that I have been so careful. She said that it was quite aggressive and a lot had to be removed - also that she thought there was a good chance of infection because of this. I have to go back in two months for more tests and so she can check nothing is coming back. I just occurred to me just how close I came to cancer there - from what she was saying, a large area was badly affected and the CIN had gone into all of the sample she took. If I had left it much longer, it would have turned. It certainly puts things into a unique perspective hearing this sort of thing.

I am back to yoga regularly which has helped me reach a positive place emotionally as well as moving more freely.

Imbolg! Welcome Spring

To celebrate the official start to Spring, boy cooked an amazing meal for my friend C and I. With a fresh vegetable stock, we had a Spring Minestrone with freshly made pesto. Then he made a scrumptous mixed mushroom risotto - that boy can cook!!! It was a great night with a much more wine that we should have drank but it was a really fun night with lots of laughs. There was the obligatory music face-off which normally ends with The Cure's 'So What' but this evening was a battle over the acceptability of Nouvelle Vague appropriating some of C and my favourite songs. So after boy had his go flipping through a few tracks, he got to hear the originals for the next hour (granted, he only had a short flick through the songs before we took over. Poor guy) He was treated to Sisters of Mercy, Jesus and Mary Chain, Joy Division, and a bit of Bauhaus. It ceased to matter that not all of these bands had been covered but we were on a roll to educate him about how the songs should sound. The thing is that NV would be enjoyable listening to it on the surface, I enjoy bossa nova a lot. I just really dislike the way that they use the songs that I have loved most of my life and that have a particular place in many hearts - that place is certainly not a dance class!

Anyway.. it was a fun night and now I have a wee hangover. I always find myself feeling happy not being a smoker any more after nights like that, those smoking hangovers were killers!! I also realised that I have reached 'a certain age' this morning when I woke up and thought to myself that a walk would be the best thing to fix the hangover! Once, my first priority would have been to seek out the closest provider of bacon now I am thinking about fresh air and a cup of tea!

It is such a beautiful day out there today. Flowers are blooming everywhere and the air is so fragrant. Our jasmine is fully in bloom, how beautiful it is. I was going to see a film today but I think a day in the garden with a book is the order of the day.