I managed to make it to the breast clinic for my six-month check-up without going too mad. I spoke to the woman at the clinic when I made the appointment and she didn't do much to ease my concern about what was ahead - although I understand that she has no choice, it would be worse to be led to believe it will be a stroll in the park when it might not be. I had convinced myself that they would need to do another fine needle biopsy (which was the most painful experience I have ever had) and had myself so worried and preoccupied with this idea. Normally, a visit to the breast clinic takes half a day as they are so busy with the many checks that they do but this weekend they were only doing check-ups and I was in and out within about half an hour. After an ultrasound and general check over by the doctor, I was given the all clear. What a relief it is. Now I dont have to go back until I am 40 unless I find another lump before then.
Thinking back to the last visit, it is hard to believe that after what I went through in the morning I got the call from my GP to tell me that there was something wrong with my pap smear. What a time that was. Boy was and is so supportive, I am blessed to have such love in my life. We are both so relieved that there are no immediate health concerns that will be coming between us anytime soon!
In other good health news, I have lost another kilo so am getting closer to better physical health again. Taking the hairy one out regularly for long walks is good for us both, and it is nice to be out on the cycle paths again too despite the guilt I feel leaving the dog behind..
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
We may be through with the past but the past aint through with us
I finally caught up with my cousin (step-cousin) last night. Being the neice of my step-father, (who used to be married to my mother's sister), I was a little worried about what the evening would bring. She was very young when I saw her last, probably about 8 and was always a lovely kid. She is now 23 and a wonderful person. I didn't need to be worried about the evening, she was a surprisingly insightful woman for someone so young. She is one of the few people who I have come across that try genuinly to understand what may have motivated people to behave in the way they do or make the decisions they have made. I must say that it took me a lot longer to reach this point in my life.
She eventually asked me why I left the family home, which I was worried that she would. I couldnt tell her the main reason as it has much to do with her uncle, my stepfather and my mother's subsequent dismissal of me. Perhaps thankfully my mother is awful enough on her own steam that I had a lot of reasons to offer her but had to say that I couldn't talk honestly with her because of a recognition that they are still her family. I miss my brother and sister who live with them still - they will both have anger about me - primarily for leaving them at a time when they had little choice but to stay. That is not to say that they didn't have the options to leave just that the emotional stranglehold that my mother has over people is a strong one and difficult to break. The only real way to escape was to make a clean break for it which is what I did - mind you it took me about 8 years after she and my Dad split to work up the strength to get out of there. I was lucky to have a loving Dad and step-mum who were looking out for me. The years that followed were full of some major healing and reliving of some nasty events. So many years of pain take a long time to escape.
I think it has mainly been since meeting boy that some of the deeper issues have started to melt away. I had a lot of trust and body-related issues to start with (even after a previous generally good long term relationship). Over time I began to realise that I could let go of the need to always have an escape route for the inevitable breakdown or letdown. I knew that he would always be honest with me with counted for so much, I never realised how important honest connection with someone is. Boy has given me so much unconditional support and love over these years, as have my family. This was something I never had before, everything was conditional and ready to be removed at a moment's notice. Emotions were tools weilded for maximum impact - indiscretions carefully stored away for later use. It is not a good environment to grow up in. I have been accused of simultaneously causing a range of non-existent conditions from loss of my mother's hair from stress to an imagined brain tumour. I wondered to myself how bad the stories would get before she would realise that they don't work. And she told me I had a good imagination!
This morning, although still capable of producing the above bitter vitriolic paragraphs, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that these negative and toxic people are no longer part of my life. I realise that I have some way to go in the healing process but underlying it all is that I am free. I am free to make my own decisions about my life and know that I am supported in my choices that define me. I am not judged or restricted and am loved and valued. It is not something that people find easy to accept but the years away from my mother and her foulness of a husband have been the best of my life. I dont have the anger towards them now, but rather a general ambivalence to their continued existence. In the end they have to live with their choice, just like the rest of us. In the end they have to live with each other which is surely punishment enough.
Boy asked me about the notion of forgiveness in the light of the Australian government's recent apology to our indigenous people. The apology has helped move the healing process forward for this disenfranchised and abused population. I am certainly open to forgiveness but need to work out what it means to me. I think that the key in the Australian situation is that there was an apology. In the absence of even acknowledgement of their actions, I dont know if I will be able to forgive them - perhaps because there is a sense that forgiveness in the absence of apology seems to indicate that what happened was ok. I need to think about this notion of forgiveness more.
Anyway, the process of healing continues. I owe it to boy to make an effort to move forward on some of the trickier aspects of this but there are a lot of resources out there.
She eventually asked me why I left the family home, which I was worried that she would. I couldnt tell her the main reason as it has much to do with her uncle, my stepfather and my mother's subsequent dismissal of me. Perhaps thankfully my mother is awful enough on her own steam that I had a lot of reasons to offer her but had to say that I couldn't talk honestly with her because of a recognition that they are still her family. I miss my brother and sister who live with them still - they will both have anger about me - primarily for leaving them at a time when they had little choice but to stay. That is not to say that they didn't have the options to leave just that the emotional stranglehold that my mother has over people is a strong one and difficult to break. The only real way to escape was to make a clean break for it which is what I did - mind you it took me about 8 years after she and my Dad split to work up the strength to get out of there. I was lucky to have a loving Dad and step-mum who were looking out for me. The years that followed were full of some major healing and reliving of some nasty events. So many years of pain take a long time to escape.
I think it has mainly been since meeting boy that some of the deeper issues have started to melt away. I had a lot of trust and body-related issues to start with (even after a previous generally good long term relationship). Over time I began to realise that I could let go of the need to always have an escape route for the inevitable breakdown or letdown. I knew that he would always be honest with me with counted for so much, I never realised how important honest connection with someone is. Boy has given me so much unconditional support and love over these years, as have my family. This was something I never had before, everything was conditional and ready to be removed at a moment's notice. Emotions were tools weilded for maximum impact - indiscretions carefully stored away for later use. It is not a good environment to grow up in. I have been accused of simultaneously causing a range of non-existent conditions from loss of my mother's hair from stress to an imagined brain tumour. I wondered to myself how bad the stories would get before she would realise that they don't work. And she told me I had a good imagination!
This morning, although still capable of producing the above bitter vitriolic paragraphs, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that these negative and toxic people are no longer part of my life. I realise that I have some way to go in the healing process but underlying it all is that I am free. I am free to make my own decisions about my life and know that I am supported in my choices that define me. I am not judged or restricted and am loved and valued. It is not something that people find easy to accept but the years away from my mother and her foulness of a husband have been the best of my life. I dont have the anger towards them now, but rather a general ambivalence to their continued existence. In the end they have to live with their choice, just like the rest of us. In the end they have to live with each other which is surely punishment enough.
Boy asked me about the notion of forgiveness in the light of the Australian government's recent apology to our indigenous people. The apology has helped move the healing process forward for this disenfranchised and abused population. I am certainly open to forgiveness but need to work out what it means to me. I think that the key in the Australian situation is that there was an apology. In the absence of even acknowledgement of their actions, I dont know if I will be able to forgive them - perhaps because there is a sense that forgiveness in the absence of apology seems to indicate that what happened was ok. I need to think about this notion of forgiveness more.
Anyway, the process of healing continues. I owe it to boy to make an effort to move forward on some of the trickier aspects of this but there are a lot of resources out there.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Shredded Wheat
So this one is for Mago (63.mago.blogspot.com) who has developed a somewhat unusual interest in Shredded Wheat following a survey of breakfast interests. I promised him that I would post a picture of the favoured breakfast cereal which seems to elude so many who are not brought up on it. Here we go.... the picture above is of the box of shredded wheat as marketed in Australia.
This is a picture of a 'biscuit' of Shredded Wheat in my cereal bowl - special bowl that it is.....
I then break it up to look like this.... before adding milk. Delicious (well, comforting at least. Not salty oats as Mago's countrypeople seem to enjoy. Each to their own). My Thai brother and sister enjoy 'jook' which is a Thai rice soup.
Mago - I hope this helps you get the picture of this mis-understood cereal!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
handy work
I have spent a bit of time this weekend talking with boy about the house - it seems to be falling down around us! Perhaps that is a little dramatic but it does need a lot of work. I have been getting into things around the house and am caulking the floorboards as there are rather large gaps forming between them. People say you shouldn't fill gaps in floorboards as they move with the weather but they haven't seen these boards. I don't think they were laid very well and they had been filled before. Of course it is all coming out now so there are parts of the house where you can see through to the ground below! It is a bit worrying. Then there is the water damage to the boards on the outside of the house. Poor old thing, it is a really old house and she needs some attention soon. Now we just need to find a builder!
It is a nice day to be messing around with house maintenance though. Boy is watching cricket and it is nice to have it on in the background. Cricket has become a bit of a soundtrack to summer, it is so often on. Today is a lovely day, it has been so hot recently but there is a cool breeze moving through the house now. It is a nice afternoon to take the hairy one out for a bit of a run. She went to the dog beach yesterday and is slowly getting more comfortable with being in the ocean - she still won't swim though. Funny little thing she is!
It is a nice day to be messing around with house maintenance though. Boy is watching cricket and it is nice to have it on in the background. Cricket has become a bit of a soundtrack to summer, it is so often on. Today is a lovely day, it has been so hot recently but there is a cool breeze moving through the house now. It is a nice afternoon to take the hairy one out for a bit of a run. She went to the dog beach yesterday and is slowly getting more comfortable with being in the ocean - she still won't swim though. Funny little thing she is!
Monday, February 4, 2008
I am trying to lose some weight after Christmas. I got really motivated and managed to lose almost 10kilos last year but a lot of it has crept back on. I realise that my problem is that I largely define myself and the experience of enjoyment by food. A good night is a good meal and wine. A relaxing day is a nice lunch - exercise is also a big part of things but I am largely motivated by enjoyment of a meal shared.
Making things worse is the weather. Not the heat but the rain. I immediately go into some sort of winter-inspired cooking frenzy where I crave soups and casseroles. I put the air conditioning on because it is so hot and suddenly it is like a cool winter day. Hopeless!!
It is Monday so time to start again! Let's see how long I stay disciplined for this week.
Making things worse is the weather. Not the heat but the rain. I immediately go into some sort of winter-inspired cooking frenzy where I crave soups and casseroles. I put the air conditioning on because it is so hot and suddenly it is like a cool winter day. Hopeless!!
It is Monday so time to start again! Let's see how long I stay disciplined for this week.
It is so hot and humid you can barely take a breath. The clothes on the line don't dry and then it starts raining again anyway. They talk of flooding but there doesn't seem to be that much rain - you never know though.
I realised recently that I have been misusing a word for most of my life. It is one of those words that seems to make sense in the way I have been using it - and after speaking to friends about it they all thought the same and had used it that way too. The word is 'balmy' which I had used to describe a humid day. I found out that it means "mild and refreshing, soft, soothing" - nothing like this hot, oppressive and humid weather. It has made me paranoid about the possible misuse of other words and phrases. Like a misheard lyric... only more embarrassing due to its indicator of educational standards. Particularly when surrounded by academics in my work. Perhaps worse because I am quite judgemental about the incorrect use of certain words - like advice/advise. I have never used a dictionary this much in my life!! Not such a bad thing to check youself once in a while, I think.
I realised recently that I have been misusing a word for most of my life. It is one of those words that seems to make sense in the way I have been using it - and after speaking to friends about it they all thought the same and had used it that way too. The word is 'balmy' which I had used to describe a humid day. I found out that it means "mild and refreshing, soft, soothing" - nothing like this hot, oppressive and humid weather. It has made me paranoid about the possible misuse of other words and phrases. Like a misheard lyric... only more embarrassing due to its indicator of educational standards. Particularly when surrounded by academics in my work. Perhaps worse because I am quite judgemental about the incorrect use of certain words - like advice/advise. I have never used a dictionary this much in my life!! Not such a bad thing to check youself once in a while, I think.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Again at the mercy of the cycle. All week I have been feeling flat, cranky and tired. Now I feel like I just want to retreat away from everyone - except boy and dog of course. At these times I get overly attached and at any moment am about to start getting sad, I know it is going to happen and it will probably be in response to something completely benign.
I must be approaching some sort of health bender though after making a series of check up appointments and a dental appointment for Wednesday! I havent been to the dentist in over 10 years! Never had a filling or any problems but I surely cannot get away without visiting one in this time! And I just realised that I will be going on the one day when my pain threshold will be at its absolute lowest - bloody great!
I must be approaching some sort of health bender though after making a series of check up appointments and a dental appointment for Wednesday! I havent been to the dentist in over 10 years! Never had a filling or any problems but I surely cannot get away without visiting one in this time! And I just realised that I will be going on the one day when my pain threshold will be at its absolute lowest - bloody great!
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