I am so exhausted. I had a lovely weekend with boy and went out with the folks for yum cha on Sunday. It was lovely to spend the day together. Sometimes I feel so sad when I spend the day with my family, it is always so good to see them but then I think about losing them and I can barely stand the pain at the thought of anything happening to them. The same thing happens when I have to leave boy for any period of time, I just can't stand the idea of being separated from those I love. Dad always seems so happy to catch up with us, I love them all so much.

I feel so tired now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my doctor's appointment last week and can't shake the thought that what I have wrong with me is very bad. I keep thinking about the first time I went to see her. She asked me to complete the hospital forms - just in case the results of the test confirmed CIN. I think she knew that they would, which is why she got me to fill it all in. All I can think of now is that she wants me to go back to see her because she knows that it will come back. I don't know what they will need to do if it does - it could mean any number of things I suppose but I have a great fear that she is concerned it will come back or that there is a particularly high risk of it turning to cancer.

I guess we will deal with whatever comes up but I am just so tired.