getting cosy with the medical profession

It is interesting how much things can change in a month. I have just seen a gynaecologist to get a biopsy of my cervix taken after a concerning result on a recent pap smear. Today, I am feeling ok save for a cramping uterus wondering what I have done to it.

I went to the doctor for the usual two year check-up (but six months late). I wasn't expecting much but felt glad that I finally got around to making the appointment. I had a small lump in my breast that had come and gone a few times but asked the doctor to have a check of it - just in case. She said I should get it checked, particularly as there is breast cancer in my maternal family. At the time I wasn't too bothered as I was more concerned about the impending pap smear, a procedure no woman I know enjoys and which causes me some considerable discomfort. Once I got to work that morning and called boy with the news, it hit me that I had a lump in my breast, in the same spot as my Aunt's cancer was. I managed to get into the Clinic within about a fortnight. The women at work - a few of which had had breast cancer themselves - said this would be too long but I wasn't too concerned, until I realised that I was actually very worried about what it could mean.

My partner was worried but was unable to talk about it so it took the two of us having a row about something ridiculous before we realised how much it was affecting us both. We talked at length and came out better for it - thankfully because it was about to get harder as the appointment approached. The day before my appointment, I got a letter from the Doc calling me back to 'discuss the results of the smear'. Seemed innocuous - I thought it was probably just a bad sample and if anything felt annoyed about the idea of having to undergo another smear. I went in to the breast clinic and spent the morning having mammograms, physical exams, ultrasounds and meetings with doctors, before the moment when she said that they had found a lump - not the one I had found but another that was detected by the ultrasound. They wanted to do a fine needle biopsy. I had been told about these from one of the women at work who had come through breast cancer - "wont hurt" she said - bollocks!!! It bloody hurt They were able to give me the results that afternoon and thankfully it was a benign cyst.

That afternoon though, as we drove from the breast clinic, we called the GP to see if I could get an appointment. She called me in after almost an hour of waiting (still in pain from the breast experience) to tell me that the cells from my smear were abnormal - badly. She said it was CIN3 - severely dysplastic carcinoma in situ. God knows what that was supposed to mean but essentially it was that the majority of the cells from the full layer of the cervix skin were affected pre-cancer cells. This was not good news to receive - neither was the treatment option that she presented. At the time that was the least of my worries but I now know that it would have been a very bad option. So it was that I left the GP again trying to contain the tears which were not far away.

We had another two weeks to wait until I could get in to the gynaecologist . I spent this time worrying about the likelihood of cervical cancer. The level of the results indicated that the cells were badly affected. I worried more about this because I know that a lot of women had lumps in their breasts and the vast majority of these are benign. I knew that a lot of women have abnormal pap smear results but that many of these were level 1 or 2 - not 3. I felt sick at the idea of a biopsy being taken - mainly because it would not be done under anaesthetic. I worked myself into quite a state before the appointment.

Thankfully it is done now and I had a great doctor - she was patient and explained the procedure to me and what my results meant. The biopsy hurt just a little bit and i am now in pain that is similar to period paid - apparently the uterus reacts to the biopsy 'trauma'. I have to wait until Monday for the results but she asked me to fill in the hospital forms for surgery as it is likely I will need an operation to remove a layer of my cervix. The affected cells (which she could see with a light emitting microscope with the aid of vinegar sprayed on the cells) are localised near the entrance of the cervix and have not moved towards the uterus so it is not as bad an operation as it could have been. The alternative is to remove quite a large section of the cervix as it approaches the uterus. She said there is only a 12% chance of these cells becoming cancerous and they will monitor me after the operation (done mercifully under general anaesthetic) to check on the progress.

Now, I feel a sense of relief. Despite the idea of going into hospital hanging over my head, I know what i am dealing with now - and the appointment with her is done so I don't have to worry about that anymore. My partner is feeling better about things and said last night that it has finally started to sink in that I will be alright. We are so happy that the thought of something like this coming between us now seemed so unjust. We will be able to deal with anything after this - what a month though!

It is exhausting to think of what we have gone through and I am so tired now. I am almost looking forward to a hospital visit so that I can get rid of these cells from my body. Knowing they are there makes me annoyed with my body. At least I don't have too long to wait to find out the results. I think I am prepared for the idea of hospital but only time will tell - I am sure I have a bit more worrying up my sleeve yet.