It has been an odd sort of morning. While doing the usual much-needed Saturday morning clean, I put on a CD to have a bit of a sing while dusting. Seemingly out of nowhere, I started crying - really crying like I have not done in a long time. I am sure it has been coming for a while but it really caught me off-guard.
It is coming up to a year since my much-loved Grandpa died, which has been weighing on my mind. It is one of those things that I keep thinking about but then decide that I will spend a proper day honouring him on his anniversary which is stupid really. Thinking about Grandpa has led me to think about losing the other people in my life who are so precious. I have been trying to grasp the Buddhist concept of 'impermanence' and cannot get close to it. I know that everything ends and we only have now but it is still so hard to imagine that one day my Dad won't be here anymore. He has been such an important part of my life and has always embodied hope to me. My parents separated when I was 12 and I lived with my mother and her new husband. Through some tough years, my Dad gave me most important support by helping me maintain who I was, despite the environment I was living in. He helped me to explore new ideas and encouraged interest in music, art and film - things that are so precious to me now. Most importantly, he kept me laughing and gave me the gift of seeing the ridiculous in all things. He will always be my dear friend and I will always be learning from him. I cannot imagine a life without my Dad and his endless supply of stories. It was the thought of future loss that made me so upset today. I wonder how he is feeling at the moment... he is very circumspect about life and its complexities but he must miss his Dad too. I hope he has some time in May to spend with Grandpa's memory.
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