Signs of Spring - number 1

While it is only August, today seems to herald the start of Spring. The temperature has risen and the sky is clear and blue. I noticed that the jasmine creeping over the front fence is full of flower buds. There is nothing quite like the scent of Jasmine on a warm breeze. We even have a camelia bush that is full of flowers -it almost went unnoticed.

All of a sudden, everything feels different. I finally have some energy after all the flatness of the past few months. It is like a type of inward looking hibernation has ended and with the warmth I am starting again. I took the pooch out for a walk (the first long one in months). The park was full of people lying in the sun reading weekend papers. The shops are full of crates of strawberries - shiny and deliciously red. I am taken by a need to sit in the sun with Harry..

I must give some thought to the garden, new veges will need to be planted. It will almost be time for zucchinis and cucumbers, how rewarding they are to grow.

the air doesnt quite smell like spring yet though.

Favourite Books

I always had trouble spelling 'favourite' when I was a kid. I remember my mother telling me "it is just like 'favour' but with 'ite' on the end", which was of course useless because I couldn't remember how to spell that either!

Anyway, I have been thinking about this issue of my list of favourite books. It is a tricky issue to be sure. So far, I can say that somewhere in the list would be Haruki Murakami's Wind-up Bird Chronicle and something by Margaret Attwood. I was close to deciding which of her books would make it into my list but then got myself into a tangle. These things need to be taken slowly and given the consideration they need.

chilli heat

My hands are burning...... I just roasted and ground some chillis but made the mistake of using my hands to put it into the salsa.

Whenever I have a chilli burn, it reminds me of the burns in my lifetime - they are perplexing experiences. Apart from the fact that they can hurt, a lot sometimes, the sense of heat stays with you all the way through the healing process (until the itching starts). It is this feeling of heat that is so interesting though. Our first response is to process the feeling as pain but when you can take a step away from the thought of pain and just watch the sensation, it is more of a very intense warmth. Of course, my burns have always been small and it would be a totally different experience for those poor souls with large burns - there would be nowhere to go to escape it then.

coming home

Mohammed is ok. It is amazing to think that he was out of his anaesthetic within a day after all of that work. He is coming home this week and the hospital will send people to check on him. Nothing like being at home.

We are all so happy you are well.

Inshallah - healing wishes to Mohammed

My neighbour, Mohammed, recently had a bleed on his brain which was successfully operated on. Just last week though, after a check-up, he found out that he had another bleed in the centre of his brain and was rushed into surgery this morning.

He is a lovely, highly intelligent man and is like a father to so many of us in the street - and a great drinking companion too! He is a defender of people's rights and cares deeply for so many.

Inshallah Mohammed - we are all praying for you in all of our different ways. Hopefully between us all we will have you covered...

Sunday morning

Another beautiful day, the sky is as clear as a bell and there is still a slight chill to the air. I love this time of year. A gentle breeze is moving through the windchimes and there is the quiet hum of a small plane putting away out of sight. It is such a treat to have a chance to just sit and listen for a time.

After an unusually social weekend I am spending today at home today and hope to do as little as possible. I have a pile of old 80's films that I borrowed from a friend and I am sure they will keep me occupied. With my natual state being towards introversion, the last few days of being out and about have left me looking forward to recharging away from people for a day. It has been great to see old friends though, it is so easy to lose contact with people as we are all busily overcomplicating our lives.

New Books

Having finished Haruki Murakami's new book After Dark, my love of his writing has been re-ignited. I went to a great local bookstore to find a new book to read, which is normally a difficult task after finishing a good one. The thing I love about this particular bookstore is that they only have a few shelves of books but each book is chosen carefully by the owner - who incidentally has remarkably good literary taste (which is perhaps an indirectly egotistical thing to say because by this I am saying that I like her taste, so to suggest that she has great taste is to say that I do too - I suppose we can only work from what we enjoy!) Anyway.... I like going there because I know I can pick up any book on the shelves and know that there is a very good likelihood that I will enjoy it. Also, the owner is always happy to have a chat and recommends books that she has particularly enjoyed.

I came away from my recent visit with three new books. One was a yoga book from the sale table. One was Haruki's Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, which is a collection of his short stories. I am not normally a lover of short stories because they often leave me wanting more than is contained in each story but I started this one by reading his introduction where he explained his joy at writing short stories and that he always writes a series of short stories after a novel. As you would expect, some of the themes from short stories re-emerge in his novels - I am expecting that it will be a nice experience to read a story that has in concept been part of a much-loved book. It might be like revisiting as an adult a place that was full of memories from childhood. Looking at things through a different set of eyes - eyes with more knowledge and that know what will happen whereas the ones that saw before were seeing for the first time. Thinking about it now, I always loved fairy tales and stories as a young girl and it is a shame to lose that as we get caught up in reading novels as adults. It seems somehow frivolous to read a short story but what a joy a good one is.

The other book I got was Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. The owner of the store said it was her favourite book and that Tom Robbins is to her, similar to Haruki Murakami. I love reading books that people recommend as their favourite (well, if I enjoy their taste in literature) It is always so interesting to hear what books people have chosen as their favourites, particularly as the favourite was normally read some time ago and has forged itself into their consciousness to stay with them for that long. I dont know if I could narrow down my favourites to a single book but might be able to get to 5. I will have to think about what they are.

One week later

It has been a week now since the op and I am finally feeling a bit more normal again (emotionally). I have been overdoing things physically and am in a bit of pain again so will not be doing much over the weekend.

Talking to a colleague, T, yesterday encouraged me to reconnect with what I have learnt and valued from yoga. It is easy when we are healthy to enjoy the benefits of a holistic approach to living but I have not used this enough over the past few months. I got the new Yoga Journal magazine which had a great article about sadness and the importance of maintaining mindfulness during low periods - not always trying to escape it. There was a great technique included in the article for meditation on sadness. It has helped.

Back to T though, she is going through some hard times and seems to be suffering from anxiety or at least panic attacks. In her case, there may be a clear physical reason for this and hopefully she will find out more after a specialist visit. In the meantime though, she has been struggling against some nasty experiences - fast heartbeat, pressure in the chest, fatigue and insomnia. Poor thing. My yoga centre have sent a voucher so that she can try it out. She has had the common experience dealing with a possible psychological disorder where doctors have not listened to her and are just prescribing drugs - like valium of all things! And telling her to relax - "practice breathing" they say but not one will ever give any real information about how to do this. Hopefully she will find that yoga and the meditation classes will help give her some skills that she can use. I know it has helped me greatly over the years.

Back into the world

I went back to work today which was probably a good thing - certainly a good thing to get away from my own thoughts and start to interact with people again. Although, I had a really nice day yesterday - particularly after boy brought home the new Murakami for me, it is wonderful (of course).

I had a call from the Doctor this afternoon to let me know that the sample had come back without invasive cancer - I dont know whether this means that some other form of cancer was found that wasnt invasive or whether this is just that the CIN3 cells were found without having progressed to cancer. I guess this is good news. I have to see her in just over a month to check on the recovery progress.

I still cannot stop reliving the process - it all happened so quickly that I have needed to keep going over everything that happened. I am sure that with time I will be able to let it all go but as long as I keep getting bills and calls, I stay with it. Also, it hasnt been even a week yet so perhaps I should just go with it. They say anaesthetic stays in your system for a while so it is no wonder really that I am still feeling skewed. I do need to find a way to re-place myself.

feeling a bit better

Starting to feel a bit better today. Yesterday I was feeling a bit flat and was starting to worry more about how to get back to normal and what that means. After going to the shops yesterday afternoon, I started feeling a bit sore and woozy again so put on some lamb shanks to cook and lay down with a book and a cup of tea. Then boy came home from work and brought some life back into the house with him. It was nice to cook dinner for him after all of his caring for me over the past month. I cooked the shanks with tomatoes and lentils and they were lovely and tender - a nice comforting meal.

After a good night sleep I decided to stay in bed until I finished my book (A Spot of Bother) and when I finally got up I was greeted by a lovely warm winter's day. I have almost finished my knitting which seems somehow symbolic in that I started knitting just before I had my breast biopsy as a way to calm and focus my thoughts. I think that it is time to move on from this once i have finished my - well whatever it is, still thinking of a pillowcase.

Today has been quite lovely really - people have been mowing their lawns so there is a nice smell of freshly cut grass in the air. The day is sunny and warm and as a result I have been feeling happier, despite myself. I had a nice midday surprise when boy came home for a cup of tea and brought the new Haruki Murakami book for me - he is such a thoughtful soul. It will be nice to sit on the verandah this afternoon and get into the book. Time to pop the kettle on and enjoy what is left of this day.

Feeling a bit flat today. I am sure that it is to be expected after all of the recent activities and events. There has been so much happening recently that it is hard to let go of that feeling. I am not feeling too bad physically today but it is more my emotional state that is bothering me. I know that if I went back to work I would be tired and it would be too soon but I am spending a bit too much time rolling around in my own head today. I think I might try to get outside later and get some fresh air. If the dog could be trusted not to act like a banshee it would be nice to take her out but she pulls on the lead and it can even be a bit much when I am feeling well. I think I am getting sick of sitting around though and it might be nice to create something nourishing for dinner - and by way of thanks to boy for taking such good care of me. My problem is getting to the shops and carrying everything back. Perhaps I need to just wait for another day and let myself heal a bit more before venturing too far. I am sure I would feel a bit better if I at least got out of these tracksuit pants! Problem is that they are comfy while I have these cramping pains.

Also, I am trying to stop with the painkillers today to see how bad things actually are, by lunchtime I have noticed that there is still some pain. I should just rest again for another day - plenty of time to get active again.

recovery time

After the surreal experience of my first hospital visit, I am now in the recovery zone. The first day was fine - I expect that there was so much medication in my system that my body didnt know what was going on. The hospital experience was not unpleasant - while I was worried about it at the time, looking back on it now it wasn't bad. Everyone was so caring and positive, and it all happened so quickly that I did not have much time to think about what was happening.. The weirdest part was of course the operating theatre. Seeing a room from the position on the bed I didnt have a chance to look around. All I saw were people moving around me as they put on monitors for various functions and the odd piece of equipment moving past me. The smell and cold sense of antiseptic liquid was pervasive but then as quickly as I arrived in the theatre, I felt my hand start to tingle. I mentioned this to the doctor who said it was quite normal and that yes, this was it as I drifted off..... and then awake again in the recovery ward.

I awoke in a rather comfy bed with a big pillow under my head. The oxygen had a slight smell of chocolate and then I drifted off again. I moved in and out of wakefulness for about half an hour - who knows really? Was given some painkillers and drifted out again. Eventually I came around and was given some tea and a few sandwiches. I didnt think I would feel hungry but once the anaesthetic started to recede I was famished after not having eaten for about 12 hours. The last thing I had eaten was a homemade minestrone that the lovely boy had carefully prepared (complete with homemade vegetable stock) - wonderfully nourishing! As I sat down to a cheese sandwich, my boy appeared in front of me and I was so happy to see him.. I think I was a bit delirious as I started telling him all about the events and all the people who were involved. I felt suprisingly chipper considering everything. Amazing people anaesthetists!

After a day of sitting around, my arm is starting to hurt where the iv went in and I am quite sore and cramped. I am putting aside the knitting to let my arm rest and think I will have some soup and watch another film now. Time to get foetal again.