Up and down

The house renovations are coming along - for the first time in over a month, our home is free from tradespeople. The house is painted and back in shape, we still have a bit to do (well, a lot really) but are well into the swing of it. It is nice to feel happy with our home again, she does look mighty cute!

It is funny how the universe works - I have been feeling particularly happy about my job recently, I am getting more work from where I should be getting it from but this has meant I havent been able to work across both offices as much. I didn't think this was a huge problem but it seems that there is more tension around this than I thought. I knew it was causing colleagues to have more work on but I had thought that a large part of my appointment had to do with taking the work from one of the exec's portfolios as the offices had split. I think that the problem comes from people not having thought that there would be quite so much for me to do there so I would have more time to help out but as the exec structure has changed so much, this hasn't quite turned out that way. WHat I can't work out though is whether my colleague is annoyed with me personally or just the situation. I now feel like I am being excluded from the work of their office, which is fine if there is no expectation that I will work with them but the problem is that I have never had a clear understanding of what they expected from me. If I can put this aside, I can continue to enjoy my work and jump into the new challenges that are coming up but I felt quite upset this morning.

Alongside this (or perhaps underlining it) is that I have my first psych appointment tomorrow afternoon. I still haven't had the opportunity (haven't put aside the mental time) to think about what I need to say - or why I am there. I need to put some thought into this. At this stage there are a few obvious things, in no particular order:

• looking for help dealing with anger and sadness that I experience (increasingly)
• continuing issues carrying forward from childhood issues
• trust issues
• dealing with my beliefs about others expectations of me, and not feeling like I can meet them
• help with loss of perspective

I know that these are not simple and I worry that I will have a complete blank when I get in there. There is so much but at the same time, I need to decide whether I want to go into it all. I know a lot of things are interconnected but to really benefit from it, I should probably be focusing on techniques to deal with the effect of things.

Spring again

The work on the house is well underway with the builders having finished the wall and associated work. We are hoping to have the place painted next week but at this stage, rain is predicted for the whole week so that might be interesting!!

We have a new found energy for renovating and general maintenance which has been great - partly because of the feeling of completion we are reaching with our home but also because it is lovely to spend good time with boy. I love spending my days with him and we are doing more together and have more energy than we had a little while ago.

This weekend, we have noticed how much the jasmine and magnolia flowers are in bloom, especially at night, now that it is warming up and we have the windows and doors open. The scent of the sweet flowers wafts through the house on the breeze and reminds us to breathe and enjoy our lives. The smell of Jasmine has always evoked a sense of calm in me, balmy evenings after a hot day, being in the garden feeling the sun on my skin or just relaxing with a book on the porch. Most of all it is about being at home.

Today I am painting again. I woke early after boy went to golf (at an inhuman hour) and did an hour of yoga. I found a website called myyogaonline.com which has a huge range of yoga videos. I have cancelled my membership at the local yoga centre because I havent been able to get there all year - the classes start too soon after work to get there on time. This system helps me practice at home regularly so I am doing much more than I have for a while, and feeling the benefits again already. It is like magic, yoga. It is one of the few things that calms me in a physical sense.

I have finally made a booking to see a psychologist in a few weeks time. I recently asked my gp about it (after making the booking) and he asked me a few questions about why I wanted to seek help. I tried to summarise it but ended up just blathering on for ages without making a lot of sense. It made me realise that I need to give some thought to how I will respond when the psych asks me how she can help. There is so much - where do you start?? The thing that made me decide to look for a psych was a recent period, albeit short, of depression. I have experienced it before but generally move through relatively well. This time though, I felt quite paralysed by it, it was a complete lack of any energy or emotion, except perhaps a sense of loss. I pulled it back together but realised that I can't subject boy to this sort of thing. I have been increasingly angry and upset recently, he tells me that I might have a stronger sense of it than what may come across to others but I feel increasingly unstable in recent months. I have to put a lot of energy into not indulging these tendencies and hope that the psych can help with some more strategies. It may be true that it helps to talk about it with someone who you don't have to censor yourself in front of. It will also be confronting to verbally acknowledge some of these things too.

Onwards and upwards!

building prep!

We are but three days away from the start of building work on the side of the house. We are getting boards replaced on the Eastern side as many are rotting from weather damage. We are getting new windows, window hoods and insulation - doesn't sound that exciting but we are looking forward to this being done a great deal! It has been too many years in the making but we are at long last finally here. It is going to be weird and messy but the outcome will be great. The builder is starting at 6am every morning which will be a challenge for me, I am not an early riser. At least the hairy ones will get morning walks as we try to wake ourselves up in preparation for the day. It will be a few weeks of work that will have enough of an impact on our lives to be disruptive but I am sure we can deal with it like we have with everything else. Boy is ever patient and calm to my chaotic self...

Meanwhile, I am still sick and seem to be getting a flu now rather than just a cold. Just days away from going back to work..

renovating

It has been a busy week of house related activity this week. The weather is noticably warmer after some of the chills from last week so it is certainly more conducive to getting out and active. I have been caulking the gaps between the kitchen floors and repaining the french doors at the front of the house. It has made a huge difference to the front of the house and looks really clean and fresh. I painted the doors white with a charcoal trim so it makes the white really stand out.

It has been nice to settle into the holidays well and we have been out for a few lunches and dinners to remind ourselves that we are actually taking a break. It has been good getting a few things done around the house too though - there is never enough time to get through everything on weekends.

The only irritant today has been the people up the street who are again in band rehearsals, the main problem being that they are absolutely terrible and play really loud. There has been an impromptu meeting of a few neighbours around the street corner to have a bit of a complain, I think we are going to have to become the cranky neighbours who call police, they just never stop - every single day and night they are at it with microphones and amps. You can't escape it by closing windows or putting something on yourself - when did we get to this age?? I was thinking back to when I was a student and I dont think we ever played music so loud that people streets away would hear it (not that we would have had speakers good enough to anyway!!)

Merciful silence, they seem to have stopped for the moment.

August already

Well it has been a long time, I didn't realise how long until I checked my last post - June! I am on holidays for a few weeks at the moment and while I have managed to come down with a touch of the flu/cold, I am enjoying a few weeks at home with boy and the hairy fools. Shiva was spayed last week and the vet told us we need to keep her calm for 14 days, this has proven to be an impossible task but she seems to be doing ok despite her continued exuberance.

It has been an interesting time recently, marked by change and general happiness but certainly pocked with moments of personal madness. It seems that from time to time, without warning, I erupt into a state of emotional chaos. Sometimes it is marked by an intense feeling of anger and other times it is a descent into a deep depression. I have had both recently and while I am attempting to get myself out of it, the old 'black dog' continues to follow me around. I have been seeking out a psychologist to visit, I think it is time. If at 32 I am still not past my past (so to speak) I am not going to get there on my own. It is starting to affect me more and more and as it does, I feel more at the mercy of my emotions. Sometimes it feels almost hormonal, in that it is a rising feeling that can't be connected to any one event in particular. Other times it is easy to see how it starts.

One of the things that bothers me most is that the anger I feel erupts over the smallest of things. I know when it is happening but I am unable to do anything to stop it. I feel like a red heat is pulsing through me and I have taken to running or riding to give it a release. The only other release is to cry (or throw something, which I haven't resorted to with anything beyond the weight of a sponge, which can be equally irritating because sponges don't really have the desired release when they hit the floor...)

The depression is altogether different. I fall into a pit that keeps sucking me in. I have enough energy to get through the day at work but when I finish the day I feel like I have nothing more to give. I feel completely drained at these times and want only to sleep.

At the moment, I feel good. I have been resting a lot over the holidays and despite the recent onset of the cold, am having a good break. I think that some of the problems are that we get into a day to day habit of life. We get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a dvd and go to bed - day after day. Because we are so tired from work, we dont have the energy to do the things we need to to feel alive. Holidays are so important to remind us of what life is supposed to be like. I am getting out on my bicycle a lot and going for walks. We are seeing bands and going to galleries - we live in such a lovely spot, but sometimes we can't see it for all of our distractions.

When I go back to work, there will be the start of more change. The uni has recently restructured its executive so the person I am working for will have a new portfolio from next year. It will be interesting because I feel like I have just started to find my feet with the work of the office and it is about to change, and I can't envisage quite how it will look in the future. It will still be interesting and I just need to keep riding that wave. The change will be good for the university though and there is a lot of new energy in the place that is making a big difference.

The sun is out today and, while there is a cold breeze, it will be nice to take a deck chair into the garden with the dogs and a good book. I dont know whether I will end up reading the book or just staring into space but either way it will be nice to sit in the sun.

So it is Shiva, the destroyer!

After a month or so with the new furry child, we have settled on a name that most appropriately suits her personality - it is Shiva (the Hindu God of Destruction). In the time she has been with us, there has not been a garden bed left untouched. She has completely dug over my vegetable garden, torn up and eventually uprooted two camellias, torn apart a bromeliad (a rather spiky plant), pulled up a frangipani and generally dug up beds so that the garden is now a muddy pile of trash. Through the dirt strewn over the pathways and the upturned beds, there are remnants of watering cans (plastic), water bowls, cushions, her duvet, numerous torn tennis balls and a range of as yet unidentified objects. Her capacity to produce rather voluminous amounts of excrement is unmatched and at the other end she eats with a voracious appetite that exceeds that of the kelpie.

Having said that, she is a beautiful and joyous animal. Labradors are always known for their complete love of life and Shiva is certainly enjoying herself in this new home of hers. Boutros is also starting to relax into life with a 7 month old ball of beans. Shiva loves her and the two are getting up to quite a bit of mischief.

Last night we bought a bunch of toys from the pet store, one of which is a Kong - it is the only indestructible thing as it is the only thing that managed to make it through the day unscathed. The Kong is an egg type shape with a hole in the middle that you put peanut butter or other gooey things in that the pooch tries to get out through the day. Maybe I just need to litter the garden with them so that she never runs out.

We also bought something called 'get out of my garden!" which is a gel that you spread at the entry to garden beds and around plants. It confuses their sense of smell and they apparently stay out of the garden then. I think we will come home to find she has developed a taste for it but lets see...... We just have to keep the soil in the beds for long enough without her just digging it back out.

I feel like a new parent and am exhausted. Every time I try to walk anywhere in the house I have two large dogs under my feel but their tails are wagging and they are happy. There is much joy in this house - as well as a lot of dirt!

welcome to the nameless pup

Feeling much better this week, back into a crazy workload but it is the weekend again so it doesn't matter to me right now.

This week, we welcomed a new addition to the family - a nameless dog who was abandoned by her owners. A friend of ours found her on the side of the road and asked us if we could take her in. He tried to speak with her owners but when he went to their house, they had left - moved house and just left the little one. She is a lovely chocolate labrador and has a beautiful nature. Thankfully she and the hairy one get along well and are getting to know each other well. They are both keeping us up and the pup has managed to find every bone that Boutros has ever buried in the garden (and apparently forgotten!). She has taken to bringing the bones onto the front porch in the middle of the night so I have been woken by the grinding and banging of the bones. We are slowly disposing of the fetid bones but as fast as I get rid of them she finds more. It is nice having a second dog in the house, they are so full of joy.

6 months on

I have just been for my 6-month check up with the doctor, another colposcopy. It hurts.

I am just lying around now after having done some work this morning. This is worse pain than the last few, don't think I will be going in tomorrow.

Been a While...

My... it has been a while since I posted last. The thing is that there is not a lot to post about. This is a good thing as life has been pretty good recently. I am not sure why it is that it is easier to post when something is worrying me or bothering me but there it is!

It is a peculiar but good feeling to be enjoying work - really enjoying it. I am not stressed (most of the time anyway, which is a huge improvement on the majority of my working life) and actually look forward to going in to work every day. If I am looking for a gripe (knowing of course that one is never that far away if we look hard enough) it is the way that a few of my previous colleagues express their thinly veiled resentment of my new role. I am still with the same uni and am now working in the building opposite where I previously was. Granted, it is a nice office and great work - but everytime I go over to the other building there are a few people who can't help themselves but to make some wisecrack about me 'slumming it' or something like that. Fair enough the first time, it has taken me a long time to get used to the idea of working in the space I am now in, but it gets a bit boring after 4 months of it. I think what annoys me is that they could all have applied for the job but they decided no too because they thought it would be too hard, too much work etc etc... Now though, they are still focusing on how much they hate their jobs and just see a nice office in mine. Anyway.... I am still enjoying it and feeling glad that I made the move.

Boy has started studying law this year and has found something that he loves in this. It is great to see him getting into it so much and he has been studying really hard. It is great that our lives have realigned so well with me having less stress when he needs more support. He has always been so generous and supportive, regardless of how tired or busy I was. It is nice to be able to look after him now. He has his first exams coming up soon so hopefully he will go well.... he is quite hard on himself.

Other than this, it is moving into winter again which is my favourite time of year. I am making braised steak and onions tonight which is one of my Granny's recipes. Already the kitchen smells like that little place in Bolton! Perfect stuff for a cold night (although for people like Mago, thisw would still be a balmy day, we take what we can get here in Australia). I recently watched a documentary on Joy Division, which was great, but it was shot around Manchester (I was born in greater Manchester). I have been yearning for that space a lot recently, perhaps as we get older we crave memories of our upbringing? What I have been wanting though is that grey and cold weather of the north of England. We have had a few weeks of rain here (not breaking the drought still) and it has reminded me how much I love that weather. I think it will be pudding time again soon.

I have a doctors appointment next week - it is the 6 month check up which almost coincides with a year since the first diagnosis. I feel good about it. I have had some mysterious pains that I will ask her about but I think it should all be fine. Considering there is no HPV involved, it seems like it was just an anomoly in my body. We will find out next week...

Memories

I have started reading a new book by Alice Sebold called "The Almost Moon". Knowing her style of books, I should have known that it would open a few mental crevices that I hadn't explored much recently. Her writing has a way of challenging ideas that we have - at least making us think about things a bit more deeply. Anyway, this one is about a woman who kills her mother - she is old and sick, so perhaps it is more appropriate to say 'euthanized' than killed. Her intent though is a little more along the 'killed' vein, particularly as this is something that she has thought about all her life.

Her mother is a nasty and cold character, not the loving mother normally portrayed. Of course, with my own experiences of a cold and distant mother, I have had occasion to think a little more about my own experiences. In the book, the daughter tells us of her fantasies when growing up of cutting up her mother and posting her around the country. She thought this was a normal thing for daughters to think about until realising with some acuity that it is not, in fact, normal - at all. While I have certainly thought about my mother's eventual demise from this mortal coil, I can't say I have ever thought of chopping her up or having an active role in it. (although she has a fondness for blaming me for a range of non-existent health complaints). What has happened recently though is that memories of her behaviour have started coming through the mental barrier again. Today's is a memory of her making me lie face down on my bed while she belted me across the back with my step-father's belt. She slapped me across the face and I went to slap her back.... in my current fantasy, when she attempts to slap me, I grab her arms and push her against the wall telling her that she will not touch me again, she will not raise her voice at me again and she will stop behaving like a banshee. I feel good about this, in some versions of this I slap her back before grabbing her arms back but I prefer not to... taking away the violence from the scene is somehow more rewarding and certainly more empowering (although grabbing her by the wrists and restraining her is not the most non-confrontational thing I could do). Perhaps it is a sense of control over her rather than the other way around that I feel good about.

I wish I'd had more strength when I was young to be able to stand up to her. I sometimes wish I had the strength now to tell her how she affected me. Then I think how happy I am in my life now and realise that this is the real victory. There is no better thing than to know that leaving her was the best decision I could have made, that she was wrong about my Father (life can actually be happy all the time - people are not going to change when the 'reality' of life creeps back in), and that my life is infinitely better without her being a part of it and that family is something to be found and earned - not something that can just be expected, regardless of how people are treated.

This was all good fuel for a big walk with the hairy one!

All Clear - One down one to go

I managed to make it to the breast clinic for my six-month check-up without going too mad. I spoke to the woman at the clinic when I made the appointment and she didn't do much to ease my concern about what was ahead - although I understand that she has no choice, it would be worse to be led to believe it will be a stroll in the park when it might not be. I had convinced myself that they would need to do another fine needle biopsy (which was the most painful experience I have ever had) and had myself so worried and preoccupied with this idea. Normally, a visit to the breast clinic takes half a day as they are so busy with the many checks that they do but this weekend they were only doing check-ups and I was in and out within about half an hour. After an ultrasound and general check over by the doctor, I was given the all clear. What a relief it is. Now I dont have to go back until I am 40 unless I find another lump before then.

Thinking back to the last visit, it is hard to believe that after what I went through in the morning I got the call from my GP to tell me that there was something wrong with my pap smear. What a time that was. Boy was and is so supportive, I am blessed to have such love in my life. We are both so relieved that there are no immediate health concerns that will be coming between us anytime soon!

In other good health news, I have lost another kilo so am getting closer to better physical health again. Taking the hairy one out regularly for long walks is good for us both, and it is nice to be out on the cycle paths again too despite the guilt I feel leaving the dog behind..

We may be through with the past but the past aint through with us

I finally caught up with my cousin (step-cousin) last night. Being the neice of my step-father, (who used to be married to my mother's sister), I was a little worried about what the evening would bring. She was very young when I saw her last, probably about 8 and was always a lovely kid. She is now 23 and a wonderful person. I didn't need to be worried about the evening, she was a surprisingly insightful woman for someone so young. She is one of the few people who I have come across that try genuinly to understand what may have motivated people to behave in the way they do or make the decisions they have made. I must say that it took me a lot longer to reach this point in my life.

She eventually asked me why I left the family home, which I was worried that she would. I couldnt tell her the main reason as it has much to do with her uncle, my stepfather and my mother's subsequent dismissal of me. Perhaps thankfully my mother is awful enough on her own steam that I had a lot of reasons to offer her but had to say that I couldn't talk honestly with her because of a recognition that they are still her family. I miss my brother and sister who live with them still - they will both have anger about me - primarily for leaving them at a time when they had little choice but to stay. That is not to say that they didn't have the options to leave just that the emotional stranglehold that my mother has over people is a strong one and difficult to break. The only real way to escape was to make a clean break for it which is what I did - mind you it took me about 8 years after she and my Dad split to work up the strength to get out of there. I was lucky to have a loving Dad and step-mum who were looking out for me. The years that followed were full of some major healing and reliving of some nasty events. So many years of pain take a long time to escape.

I think it has mainly been since meeting boy that some of the deeper issues have started to melt away. I had a lot of trust and body-related issues to start with (even after a previous generally good long term relationship). Over time I began to realise that I could let go of the need to always have an escape route for the inevitable breakdown or letdown. I knew that he would always be honest with me with counted for so much, I never realised how important honest connection with someone is. Boy has given me so much unconditional support and love over these years, as have my family. This was something I never had before, everything was conditional and ready to be removed at a moment's notice. Emotions were tools weilded for maximum impact - indiscretions carefully stored away for later use. It is not a good environment to grow up in. I have been accused of simultaneously causing a range of non-existent conditions from loss of my mother's hair from stress to an imagined brain tumour. I wondered to myself how bad the stories would get before she would realise that they don't work. And she told me I had a good imagination!

This morning, although still capable of producing the above bitter vitriolic paragraphs, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that these negative and toxic people are no longer part of my life. I realise that I have some way to go in the healing process but underlying it all is that I am free. I am free to make my own decisions about my life and know that I am supported in my choices that define me. I am not judged or restricted and am loved and valued. It is not something that people find easy to accept but the years away from my mother and her foulness of a husband have been the best of my life. I dont have the anger towards them now, but rather a general ambivalence to their continued existence. In the end they have to live with their choice, just like the rest of us. In the end they have to live with each other which is surely punishment enough.

Boy asked me about the notion of forgiveness in the light of the Australian government's recent apology to our indigenous people. The apology has helped move the healing process forward for this disenfranchised and abused population. I am certainly open to forgiveness but need to work out what it means to me. I think that the key in the Australian situation is that there was an apology. In the absence of even acknowledgement of their actions, I dont know if I will be able to forgive them - perhaps because there is a sense that forgiveness in the absence of apology seems to indicate that what happened was ok. I need to think about this notion of forgiveness more.

Anyway, the process of healing continues. I owe it to boy to make an effort to move forward on some of the trickier aspects of this but there are a lot of resources out there.

Shredded Wheat

So this one is for Mago (63.mago.blogspot.com) who has developed a somewhat unusual interest in Shredded Wheat following a survey of breakfast interests. I promised him that I would post a picture of the favoured breakfast cereal which seems to elude so many who are not brought up on it. Here we go.... the picture above is of the box of shredded wheat as marketed in Australia.

This is a picture of a 'biscuit' of Shredded Wheat in my cereal bowl - special bowl that it is.....

I then break it up to look like this.... before adding milk. Delicious (well, comforting at least. Not salty oats as Mago's countrypeople seem to enjoy. Each to their own). My Thai brother and sister enjoy 'jook' which is a Thai rice soup.

Mago - I hope this helps you get the picture of this mis-understood cereal!

handy work

I have spent a bit of time this weekend talking with boy about the house - it seems to be falling down around us! Perhaps that is a little dramatic but it does need a lot of work. I have been getting into things around the house and am caulking the floorboards as there are rather large gaps forming between them. People say you shouldn't fill gaps in floorboards as they move with the weather but they haven't seen these boards. I don't think they were laid very well and they had been filled before. Of course it is all coming out now so there are parts of the house where you can see through to the ground below! It is a bit worrying. Then there is the water damage to the boards on the outside of the house. Poor old thing, it is a really old house and she needs some attention soon. Now we just need to find a builder!

It is a nice day to be messing around with house maintenance though. Boy is watching cricket and it is nice to have it on in the background. Cricket has become a bit of a soundtrack to summer, it is so often on. Today is a lovely day, it has been so hot recently but there is a cool breeze moving through the house now. It is a nice afternoon to take the hairy one out for a bit of a run. She went to the dog beach yesterday and is slowly getting more comfortable with being in the ocean - she still won't swim though. Funny little thing she is!

I am trying to lose some weight after Christmas. I got really motivated and managed to lose almost 10kilos last year but a lot of it has crept back on. I realise that my problem is that I largely define myself and the experience of enjoyment by food. A good night is a good meal and wine. A relaxing day is a nice lunch - exercise is also a big part of things but I am largely motivated by enjoyment of a meal shared.

Making things worse is the weather. Not the heat but the rain. I immediately go into some sort of winter-inspired cooking frenzy where I crave soups and casseroles. I put the air conditioning on because it is so hot and suddenly it is like a cool winter day. Hopeless!!

It is Monday so time to start again! Let's see how long I stay disciplined for this week.

It is so hot and humid you can barely take a breath. The clothes on the line don't dry and then it starts raining again anyway. They talk of flooding but there doesn't seem to be that much rain - you never know though.

I realised recently that I have been misusing a word for most of my life. It is one of those words that seems to make sense in the way I have been using it - and after speaking to friends about it they all thought the same and had used it that way too. The word is 'balmy' which I had used to describe a humid day. I found out that it means "mild and refreshing, soft, soothing" - nothing like this hot, oppressive and humid weather. It has made me paranoid about the possible misuse of other words and phrases. Like a misheard lyric... only more embarrassing due to its indicator of educational standards. Particularly when surrounded by academics in my work. Perhaps worse because I am quite judgemental about the incorrect use of certain words - like advice/advise. I have never used a dictionary this much in my life!! Not such a bad thing to check youself once in a while, I think.

Again at the mercy of the cycle. All week I have been feeling flat, cranky and tired. Now I feel like I just want to retreat away from everyone - except boy and dog of course. At these times I get overly attached and at any moment am about to start getting sad, I know it is going to happen and it will probably be in response to something completely benign.

I must be approaching some sort of health bender though after making a series of check up appointments and a dental appointment for Wednesday! I havent been to the dentist in over 10 years! Never had a filling or any problems but I surely cannot get away without visiting one in this time! And I just realised that I will be going on the one day when my pain threshold will be at its absolute lowest - bloody great!

baked potato salad - mustard dressing

I keep losing this recipe for baked potato salad, it is more to do with the dressing but by posting it I will not lose it again:

potatoes cubed
sweet potato cubed
red onion (sliced)
cracked pepper
sea salt
1/2 cup flat leaf parsley
2 tbsp thyme

dressing:

1/2 cup sour cream
1/3 cup whole-egg mayonnaise
2 tbsp mustard (preferably wholegrain)
2 tbsp water (or a bit more if needed)

Roast the vegetables and then toss through the herbs. Mix the ingredients for the dressing and toss together and serve warm.

A new year has started well. It is unusual to feel happy about work and life in general and to not have some thing or another muddying the waters. For the first time in years, I feel at ease. I am not stressed and I am looking forward to every day. It is interesting to look back on times when I have been anxious and worried (normally about work) and to consider how this has affected by ability to enjoy the rest of my life. Weekends took on an almost medicinal aspect where I had to carefully monitor the ratio of social interaction to rest. Now, I feel more enlivened again and happy at the prospect of socialising with friends. I look forward to work as something interesting and enjoyable rather than something I need to get through so I can enjoy everything else. It is small things that have made the difference but I feel so lucky to be where I am. All those years of crazed workload have paid off well.

I am back on the diet post-christmas. While I don't have much to lose, it is a good way of making sure that I stay healthy. It is amazing how easily I slip into not-so-good habits and how much that affects how I feel. Now I am eating a really healthy but varied diet and am making sure that I get what I need. I have more calcium and fruit in the diet and am feeling energetic and sleeping like a child . This health surely is something to be thankful for.

Three Colours

I have been missing 'Three Colours Red' from my collection but remebered to rent it this weekend. I had forgotten what a wonderful film it is. I have never been able to decide whether I have a favourite in the trilogy. I love Blue, it is so deeply tormented and beautifully shot, the music is spine chilling. Red has always been a favourite too but for different reasons. It is a wonderful collection of films. For me though, White was never a film that I really connected with but I have found things changing a lot as I have got older. Different perspectives are emerging on things - quite often I am changing my mind about films I never really connected with. Perhaps it is just the result of more experiences...

I drank too much, need some fresh air, have a headache.

I have just watched 'Sunshine' and am now watching it with the commentary. There is an interesting similarity between existential philosophy and some of the aspects of physics theory they are discussing.

They are also talking about the end of the the universe. Based on what they are saying, there is an inevitable end to all life - everthing - they call it HeatDeath. At some point, all the stars will die, all the planets will die, all organic life will (obviously) die and all that will be left is radiation. Everything will end. Everything will return to its constituent parts which are all the same anyway

I need some fresh air

Birthday avoidance

It is my Birthday on Monday and this year I have decided that it is time to spend some time with friends and celebrate it. Every year, I avoid this. I spend time with the fam and boy but havent had a party for longer than I can remember. I am not entirely sure what my concern has been but it is a cross between not wanting to be in the spotlight, which you can't avoid if you ask people to come out to celebrate your existence. Also, I think I have some latent fear from childhood that no-one will want to come and you will be stuck alone with the kid that you know is only there because their Mum made them go!

I went with the safe option of a dinner out at a restaurant with people I know are my close friends. It will be a fun night - we are off to have some Thai and then cocktails at a little bar I love. I have made a vow only to invite people that I really want to spend the night with and have not asked anyone out of a sense of obligation. Hopefully it will be a good night and everyone will get along (or at least find someone that they connect with). That is the problem at this age, there are friends from all over the place and they are not all the same type of people. It will be interesting if nothing else!

Happy New Year

Already the New Year again! This year, we decided to stay in and avoid the crowds and it was one of the best New Years that we have celebrated. We were planning a dinner party for friends but then decided that we were totally exhausted by the madness of the year. It seemed a much better idea to see it in just the two of us. Also, our neighbours put on some afternoon drinks which seemed social enough for me! After the terrible drought, we have had the most enormous amount of rain that seemed to start around boxing day. NYE was torrential so the idea of going anywhere was just horrible. In the end, we decided on paella (I got boy a paella pan for Christmas) which we cooked together over a bottle of champagne. It was delicious and we ate the whole lot!!! It was a great thing to spend the night together after a year that has brought some extreme events and emotions.

Often, at this time of year, I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about where I am in my life - generally in spiritual terms. I often seem to spend a lot of time exploring ideas and reading a lot about something that takes my interest. It is always a time for a lot of reflection. This year though, I have simply felt quite content. Looking back, I have been through so much this year and have spent so much time analysing what is happening and how I am feeling and what might happen that I have enjoyed a period of just 'being'. I feel quite refreshed and, although I haven't had the amount of time off that I normally would have, as I started my new job on 7 Jan, I feel quite rested. It has been an enormous weight off my shoulders that I don't have to go back to the two jobs I was doing before in what was starting to become a toxic state. I feel really excited to be starting in a new area that is full of really positive people who work really hard and are really engaged with their work. It will be a year of change but in a positive way.

I do have some health challenges again for the start of 2008 after 'finding' a few of thos kilos I lost last year. I refuse to focus on the weight aspect and feel pretty good at the moment. My main concern is knowing that I have not been healthy and it is time to take care of the old body again. It will be good to get cycling again when this rain finally stops! The rain has been so heavy a number of areas have flooded badly. Our garden flooded but receded again within a few hours, I really feel for the people whose homes and farms have been so badly affected by this. The stupid thing is that we are still technically in a drought!

Anyway - hopefully I will be able to get organised with this blog this year. It is just a matter of finding the time to put down thoughts before too much time passes.