We may be through with the past but the past aint through with us

I finally caught up with my cousin (step-cousin) last night. Being the neice of my step-father, (who used to be married to my mother's sister), I was a little worried about what the evening would bring. She was very young when I saw her last, probably about 8 and was always a lovely kid. She is now 23 and a wonderful person. I didn't need to be worried about the evening, she was a surprisingly insightful woman for someone so young. She is one of the few people who I have come across that try genuinly to understand what may have motivated people to behave in the way they do or make the decisions they have made. I must say that it took me a lot longer to reach this point in my life.

She eventually asked me why I left the family home, which I was worried that she would. I couldnt tell her the main reason as it has much to do with her uncle, my stepfather and my mother's subsequent dismissal of me. Perhaps thankfully my mother is awful enough on her own steam that I had a lot of reasons to offer her but had to say that I couldn't talk honestly with her because of a recognition that they are still her family. I miss my brother and sister who live with them still - they will both have anger about me - primarily for leaving them at a time when they had little choice but to stay. That is not to say that they didn't have the options to leave just that the emotional stranglehold that my mother has over people is a strong one and difficult to break. The only real way to escape was to make a clean break for it which is what I did - mind you it took me about 8 years after she and my Dad split to work up the strength to get out of there. I was lucky to have a loving Dad and step-mum who were looking out for me. The years that followed were full of some major healing and reliving of some nasty events. So many years of pain take a long time to escape.

I think it has mainly been since meeting boy that some of the deeper issues have started to melt away. I had a lot of trust and body-related issues to start with (even after a previous generally good long term relationship). Over time I began to realise that I could let go of the need to always have an escape route for the inevitable breakdown or letdown. I knew that he would always be honest with me with counted for so much, I never realised how important honest connection with someone is. Boy has given me so much unconditional support and love over these years, as have my family. This was something I never had before, everything was conditional and ready to be removed at a moment's notice. Emotions were tools weilded for maximum impact - indiscretions carefully stored away for later use. It is not a good environment to grow up in. I have been accused of simultaneously causing a range of non-existent conditions from loss of my mother's hair from stress to an imagined brain tumour. I wondered to myself how bad the stories would get before she would realise that they don't work. And she told me I had a good imagination!

This morning, although still capable of producing the above bitter vitriolic paragraphs, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that these negative and toxic people are no longer part of my life. I realise that I have some way to go in the healing process but underlying it all is that I am free. I am free to make my own decisions about my life and know that I am supported in my choices that define me. I am not judged or restricted and am loved and valued. It is not something that people find easy to accept but the years away from my mother and her foulness of a husband have been the best of my life. I dont have the anger towards them now, but rather a general ambivalence to their continued existence. In the end they have to live with their choice, just like the rest of us. In the end they have to live with each other which is surely punishment enough.

Boy asked me about the notion of forgiveness in the light of the Australian government's recent apology to our indigenous people. The apology has helped move the healing process forward for this disenfranchised and abused population. I am certainly open to forgiveness but need to work out what it means to me. I think that the key in the Australian situation is that there was an apology. In the absence of even acknowledgement of their actions, I dont know if I will be able to forgive them - perhaps because there is a sense that forgiveness in the absence of apology seems to indicate that what happened was ok. I need to think about this notion of forgiveness more.

Anyway, the process of healing continues. I owe it to boy to make an effort to move forward on some of the trickier aspects of this but there are a lot of resources out there.