August already

Well it has been a long time, I didn't realise how long until I checked my last post - June! I am on holidays for a few weeks at the moment and while I have managed to come down with a touch of the flu/cold, I am enjoying a few weeks at home with boy and the hairy fools. Shiva was spayed last week and the vet told us we need to keep her calm for 14 days, this has proven to be an impossible task but she seems to be doing ok despite her continued exuberance.

It has been an interesting time recently, marked by change and general happiness but certainly pocked with moments of personal madness. It seems that from time to time, without warning, I erupt into a state of emotional chaos. Sometimes it is marked by an intense feeling of anger and other times it is a descent into a deep depression. I have had both recently and while I am attempting to get myself out of it, the old 'black dog' continues to follow me around. I have been seeking out a psychologist to visit, I think it is time. If at 32 I am still not past my past (so to speak) I am not going to get there on my own. It is starting to affect me more and more and as it does, I feel more at the mercy of my emotions. Sometimes it feels almost hormonal, in that it is a rising feeling that can't be connected to any one event in particular. Other times it is easy to see how it starts.

One of the things that bothers me most is that the anger I feel erupts over the smallest of things. I know when it is happening but I am unable to do anything to stop it. I feel like a red heat is pulsing through me and I have taken to running or riding to give it a release. The only other release is to cry (or throw something, which I haven't resorted to with anything beyond the weight of a sponge, which can be equally irritating because sponges don't really have the desired release when they hit the floor...)

The depression is altogether different. I fall into a pit that keeps sucking me in. I have enough energy to get through the day at work but when I finish the day I feel like I have nothing more to give. I feel completely drained at these times and want only to sleep.

At the moment, I feel good. I have been resting a lot over the holidays and despite the recent onset of the cold, am having a good break. I think that some of the problems are that we get into a day to day habit of life. We get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, watch a dvd and go to bed - day after day. Because we are so tired from work, we dont have the energy to do the things we need to to feel alive. Holidays are so important to remind us of what life is supposed to be like. I am getting out on my bicycle a lot and going for walks. We are seeing bands and going to galleries - we live in such a lovely spot, but sometimes we can't see it for all of our distractions.

When I go back to work, there will be the start of more change. The uni has recently restructured its executive so the person I am working for will have a new portfolio from next year. It will be interesting because I feel like I have just started to find my feet with the work of the office and it is about to change, and I can't envisage quite how it will look in the future. It will still be interesting and I just need to keep riding that wave. The change will be good for the university though and there is a lot of new energy in the place that is making a big difference.

The sun is out today and, while there is a cold breeze, it will be nice to take a deck chair into the garden with the dogs and a good book. I dont know whether I will end up reading the book or just staring into space but either way it will be nice to sit in the sun.