January 2009

A new year - it happened so fast! I have been incredibly slack with this site but that is part of the cost of a busy life. The end of last year sped by, in fact the entire year flew past me but now we are back at the beginning again.

I am feeling positively towards this year, perhaps mainly from a work perspective but as each year of my life passes, I feel more connected to who I am and with that better understanding has come more acceptance. Seeing the psych last year was a strange but positive experience. Since seeing her, I have come to move with the flow of my emotions a little better, particularly with anger. I had started to become consumed by a visceral and sometimes volcanic anger last year. I know in part that it was from a lifetime of trying to be what I thought was 'rational' but in reality was just trying to avoid negativity. I have started to let the anger wash through me and have spent a lot of time considering triggers and being mindful of the starting points. As I have come to know and understand my anger more intimately, I know when it is starting and can now do something functional with it instead of it controlling me. I have had one or two red mist moments since counselling but they have stopped very quickly.

I feel quite liberated by the knowledge that I can move with the flow of strong emotion a little better now. The one I still have trouble with is the fog of depression that is sometimes left over. It seems to be hormonally triggered but it hits hard and is very difficult to move through. Realising that it is tied to cycles seems to help endure it but I think this might be something for the new year. She asked me what I would like to focus of for 2009 and one of the things I was thinking about was the possibility of contact with my younger sister, M. I haven't seen her since she was 3 and this year she is starting uni - where I work. I know I will see her around and I think she might know I work there. I also know that if she and I start contact, her family life will change beyond what she could expect. I don't think I would share my reasons for leaving but they won't know that. In their usual suspicious and paranoid way, they will assume the worst and will start on the character assassinations. I at least know that they can't affect me now.

This year, I hope to get back into photography. I bought a new camera at the end of 2008, when a planned overseas trip didn't come to fruition. It is a lovely digital SLR that I have so far really enjoyed. Boy got me a tripod and bag for it and has taken me out to play around with its functions.