A big sigh of relief

I went back to the doctor on Thursday for another test and fully expected that she would find more affected cells. I think even my doctor was surprised that there were no more dysplastic cells. She did a thinprep and another pap test as well as a DNA test and I will get the results next week. She seemed confident that it would all be ok and my next appointment wont be for another 6 months! In some ways my response was a bit confused - I wasn't expecting it to be ok. Boy was thrilled, it was so nice to be able to walk back into reception and tell him that I am all clear. I will need to have regular checks but I am getting used to them now -so that is a good thing I guess!

We both had two days off which I had arranged fully expecting to be in pain for the weekend. Unfortunately I have the flu at the moment as well but it has been really nice to rest over the weekend with boy. We took the hairy fool to the dog beach yesterday and she swam again - looks like she is past her fear of water. There were lots of dogs there so it was a lovely day. Back to work tomorrow but I have had a much needed chance to really get some rest. Perhaps I can view things differently when I return to work - try to keep a handle on the stress.

Pimms and charity

I had a 'Girl's Night In' on the weekend, which involves holding a party and female friends coming along to donate what they would normally spend on a night out to women's cancers. We raised $685.00! What generous souls they are. Boy was wonderful and spent the entire weekend working away to make it a great night. We made Spanish tapas and had a bowl of Pimms Number 1 Cup, some rose' sangria and lots of other drinks to make it a great night. We are both completely exhausted now though and I fear that I am coming down with a cold - laryngitis again I bet! I can feel that familiar raspy tightness in my throat. Oh well... the old body is telling me to rest so I best go and do that (and drink lots of pineapple juice too).

Only three days of work this week as i am back to the docs on Thursday for another biopsy and dna test. Sadly I find myself looking forward to a few days of enforced rest.

Selection Criteria Blankness

Arrgghhh!!!! After feeling so confident about my abilities for this new job, I cant get through the selection criteria! They are quite tricky - perhaps if I spent less time here and more thinking about what I do in my job I would be getting further with them. Procrastination has always been a strong point for me.

It is really windy tonight, they have predicted cooler weather tomorrow and it is blowing a gale outside. I just want to curl up with a glass of wine and relax. Glad I am not studying anymore!

Job Changes

I have decided, with some certainty, to apply for this new job. I think it will be a good change and while it will be a pretty major shift for me, I am sure it will work out well. Over the years, I have come to believe that the Universe puts things out for us at the right time. Of course, it is only right if we recognise it to be so, but perhaps that is part of it! Anyway - I feel ready for a change. Even if I don't get the job, thinking about it has set me in another direction so whatever happens will be good.

I should start writing the application, it won't start itself. This is the hard part. I find it hard to stop sometimes, I just blather on and on and on........

I have been a bit slack with the old blog recently and started to think about the way that this had become a place to put down my thoughts when I was feeling low. I realise that I am in a particularly good frame of mind at the moment - despite this being the weekend when I am normally a bit hormonally 'unstable'. A few things have contributed to this. I have been quite active recently and since last week's ride into the botanic gardens have been itching to get cycling again this weekend. There is a certain type of vitality that I get from riding, perhaps associated with the increase in lung capacity and strength in my legs from a solid ride.

The weather is beautiful, I have embraced the heat of summer - even though it is still spring. There is a clear sky after a week of storms and a breeze that is making it very hard for me to stay indoors to finish this! Boy is off to cricket again today and will have a brilliant day - just perfect weather for being out on the field.

My recent work project that was giving me some profound levels of stress has entered a phase where things are going well. It is up and running and in two weeks time I will be done with the election process for another year - which means that I can get on with doing the other stuff I am paid for. The fact that I am doing two managers roles at the moment is bothering me less because I have reached a certain equanimity with it. I have decided that I can't take ownership for their decision to load me down with two jobs and can only get through what I can. I know I work really hard and if I don't get things done as quickly as I should - it is not through lack of effort. Also, I think it might all be over sooner than I thought as another job opportunity has come along. I haven't ever been in the position where I have been approached to apply for a job but was yesterday and for the first time in years feel like I could be quite interested in this new role. It would be working in a great office for some great people. The work would be interesting and challenging and I would be away from a lot of the politics which I have been surrounded by in my current job - although to some extent it would be jumping into a higher level of politics but I have got better at dealing with it over the last few years.

So there is all of that. Also, I have decided to have a party. Haven't had one in a long time but am doing this to raise money for women's cancers so feel better about the idea of it. I feel particularly uncomfortable having a party to celebrate something about myself but this way I i get my friends together for a good reason too.

So things are going pretty well. I feel great, am getting better at dealing with my stress at work and am probably more pleasant as a result. I have the appointment at the beginning of November so hopefully the doc will have decent news for me after that. Either way, I am going into it from a positive space and will have a holiday later that month to deal with it all - whichever way it turns out.

Time is flying so quickly at the moment - already it is October! Work continues to get crazier and crazier but today I have stopped caring because it is the weekend and too beautiful a day to waste it worrying about stuff that does not matter.

I went to see a comedian from Yorkshire last night with some friends. We got rather drunk and had a good night all round. The show was not stand up but rather a commentary on a man's life - a particular man who spent his time cataloguing compilation tapes that people had put together. It was a beautiful show and it left me thinking about a lot of things.

Today, boy is playing cricket so I decided it was time to get back on the bike! I finally got a new pump for the tyres which was sadly quite an exciting purchase. It means that I dont have to start every trip with a visit to a service station to fill up the tyres and it feels like I will have more freedom somehow. Anyway, I rode into the city to out botanic gardens. It was so beautiful along the river. It has been a hot day but there was a lovely breeze - salty air and fresh smells. I stopped in the gardens and had a mineral water and then just lay on the grass for about half an hour. I hadn't thought to bring a book so just watched the Queen Palms moving gently overhead in the breeze. I haven't felt this relaxed in ages. While I quickly realised how much I have lost in terms of fitness, it was a great way to work off the stress. There is nothing like the pain in the thighs and the full use of the lungs to make you feel alive.

It is still hot now. I have had a shower and it is close to that summer experience of feeling damp straight away. it is not humid but it looks like a storm is brewing so it will soon be a balmy night! I am making chilli con carne for dinner with tortillas and corn on the cob. I love this meal, as does boy. England are playing Australia in the rugby tonight and although I wouldnt normally watch football I think we probably will this evening. Chilli, a few Coronas and the football. Seems to fit together well!

What a crazy time!!! I have been given a second job at work which is starting to challenge even my work ethic! I am normally happy to work as hard as I need to but this week has pushed me a bit too far and I am afraid that next week will be the same. I have had a great weekend though - heaps of sunshine, fresh air and good food. Just trying not to think of Monday - not just yet.

This too will pass....

Another lovely weekend. Yesterday, boy and I went to a nursery to have a look for a few new plants. It was really just an excuse to get out into this beautiful sunny weather, it is so good for the soul. Being in that space, a sunny warm day and just a touch of a gentle breeze made me feel so happy. I love strolling around with the lad, I enjoy his company so much. Last night, he made crumbed pork for dinner which was delicious. He made fresh breadcrumbs from a leftover ciabatta loaf and we put some herbs from the garden into it as well which made it just lovely. I watched the football finals with him before falling asleep on the couch.

Today is another sunny one - quite warm too! I seems that winter is well and truly over with temperatures around 28/29 degrees. I took the hairy one out for a walk this morning which she enjoyed. We didn't take her out yesterday so she had lots of new smells to process on the familiar walk to the shops. She is feeling the heat today and has been trying to find the spot with the most breeze to kip in.

Outside, the plants are rustling in the afternoon breeze which brings the heady scent of jasmine and magnolia flowers through the house. This truly is spring to me.

I was feeling a bit flat this morning but recognising that it is likely to be hormonal in origin, decided to take some time to sit in the sun and enjoy the warmth of the day. After a day in the garden yesterday, it looks so beautiful and is a glorious place to sit and read.

This afternoon we will enjoy a few drinks with friends. It will be nice to go out for the afternoon but I must say I am looking forward to tonight. Boy is picking up some salmon from the fishmonger which we will have with some beetroot risotto (with beets from the garden - they are fnally ready to harvest!!!). Yum.

I am so exhausted. I had a lovely weekend with boy and went out with the folks for yum cha on Sunday. It was lovely to spend the day together. Sometimes I feel so sad when I spend the day with my family, it is always so good to see them but then I think about losing them and I can barely stand the pain at the thought of anything happening to them. The same thing happens when I have to leave boy for any period of time, I just can't stand the idea of being separated from those I love. Dad always seems so happy to catch up with us, I love them all so much.

I feel so tired now, I haven't been able to stop thinking about my doctor's appointment last week and can't shake the thought that what I have wrong with me is very bad. I keep thinking about the first time I went to see her. She asked me to complete the hospital forms - just in case the results of the test confirmed CIN. I think she knew that they would, which is why she got me to fill it all in. All I can think of now is that she wants me to go back to see her because she knows that it will come back. I don't know what they will need to do if it does - it could mean any number of things I suppose but I have a great fear that she is concerned it will come back or that there is a particularly high risk of it turning to cancer.

I guess we will deal with whatever comes up but I am just so tired.

tea, yoga and very little sleep

Had a nice day off work yesterday. Ostensibly it was to rest after seeing the doctor but in reality this took on a more metaphysical definition. I dealt with all of my bills in the morning and then treated myself to a coffee. It is not often that I stop for a coffee when I am out, I always reason that I am better off just getting home. Yesterday though, I went into a cafe I hadn't visited for a while. I got a paper and enjoyed just sitting for a while.

Then I went into one of my favourite shops, which is a tea shop. Just a tiny little shop lined with tins and tins of teas from all over the world. Every time I go in there I get inspired to drink more tea -it was through this shop that I realised what tea should taste like. I love a good strong cup of tea with milk and sugar as much as the next English gal but this tea - I never put sugar or milk into. It is divine - not bitter at all and they all have the most sublime aromas. Yesterday I bought a Stockholm Blend - my first foray into flavoured teas. On a base of black tea, it has orange peel, safflowers, claendula, rose patals, vanilla and apricot. I had a full pot of it yesterday and can see it would make a lovely iced tea in the warmer months.

After a terrible night of sleep (or put another way - a night of very little sleep), I woke rattled, worried and cranky. I realised that boy had got up early before going out to golf to do a cleanup and put on some washing so that I didn't have to. He really is a beautiful and thoughtful soul. I clearly have some issues and need to start looking inward a bit more to find the cause of my unease. After he left, I rolled out my yoga mat and worked through a good hour of postures. My yoga teacher explained this week that hip exercises are particularly good for clearing emotional 'blockages' and unconsciously I focused on these exercises when starting this morning. I now feel much clearer and settled. Ready for a new day, I am heading out with the dog to enjoy this fine Spring day.

Back again

I went back to the doc today to get a check up on the healing process after my operation. The healing is going well so I am glad that I have been so careful. She said that it was quite aggressive and a lot had to be removed - also that she thought there was a good chance of infection because of this. I have to go back in two months for more tests and so she can check nothing is coming back. I just occurred to me just how close I came to cancer there - from what she was saying, a large area was badly affected and the CIN had gone into all of the sample she took. If I had left it much longer, it would have turned. It certainly puts things into a unique perspective hearing this sort of thing.

I am back to yoga regularly which has helped me reach a positive place emotionally as well as moving more freely.

Imbolg! Welcome Spring

To celebrate the official start to Spring, boy cooked an amazing meal for my friend C and I. With a fresh vegetable stock, we had a Spring Minestrone with freshly made pesto. Then he made a scrumptous mixed mushroom risotto - that boy can cook!!! It was a great night with a much more wine that we should have drank but it was a really fun night with lots of laughs. There was the obligatory music face-off which normally ends with The Cure's 'So What' but this evening was a battle over the acceptability of Nouvelle Vague appropriating some of C and my favourite songs. So after boy had his go flipping through a few tracks, he got to hear the originals for the next hour (granted, he only had a short flick through the songs before we took over. Poor guy) He was treated to Sisters of Mercy, Jesus and Mary Chain, Joy Division, and a bit of Bauhaus. It ceased to matter that not all of these bands had been covered but we were on a roll to educate him about how the songs should sound. The thing is that NV would be enjoyable listening to it on the surface, I enjoy bossa nova a lot. I just really dislike the way that they use the songs that I have loved most of my life and that have a particular place in many hearts - that place is certainly not a dance class!

Anyway.. it was a fun night and now I have a wee hangover. I always find myself feeling happy not being a smoker any more after nights like that, those smoking hangovers were killers!! I also realised that I have reached 'a certain age' this morning when I woke up and thought to myself that a walk would be the best thing to fix the hangover! Once, my first priority would have been to seek out the closest provider of bacon now I am thinking about fresh air and a cup of tea!

It is such a beautiful day out there today. Flowers are blooming everywhere and the air is so fragrant. Our jasmine is fully in bloom, how beautiful it is. I was going to see a film today but I think a day in the garden with a book is the order of the day.

Blood Moon

We had an extraordinary eclipse last night, there was a perfect alignment of the earth, sun and moon which had the effect of the Earth's shadow moving across the moon. While the moon was eclipsed, it appeared red (some say because of pollution in the atmosphere from fires around the planet). It was an amazing thing to watch the movement of the planets. All the time, we are witnessing this without giving it any thought but seeing the moon move into darkness was quite profound.


People have reported feeling a little odd or off colour today. Myself, I have found my own cycle linked well into the lunar cycle. Strangely, I have had little pain today which is normally my most painful day.

Vege patch

There is some great growth in the patch at the moment. The warmer days must have given the plants a bit of a wake-up. The paw paw has a few fruits starting to grow and the herbs are growing rapidly, I have never had parsley that looks so good. I planted out some zucchinis and squash plants today as well so hopefully they will go well. Zucchinis have always grown well in our patch but there are always things beyond our control at play in the garden. I will just let nature decide what is going to succeed and be grateful for whatever she provides. It is a joy to be outside.

A week of rain

We have had a fantastic week of rain - finally!!! It was so dry but the rain has helped things a lot - at least in the garden if not in our dams. Today it is sunny (for the moment, it looks like more clouds are approaching) and it is a nice day to be outside in the warm breezy air. I had a burst of activity this morning and cleaned up the vegetable patch. We seem to have an infestation of a new weed - perhaps it seeded from the mulch. Thankfully it is easy to pull up but it moves fast and has taken over the patch. It is amazing how quickly the beds fell into a crazed state while I was inattentive. Luckily, things have kept growing and it looks lovely again now. I can't wait to harvest the beetroot. There are a few bulbs emerging from the ground so it shouldn't be long now.

It is funny to be reading Jitterbug Perfume at the moment as beetroots keep turning up throughout the story with the accompanying idea that they are ugly things. I love beets, to me they are stunning - what other plant draws up such a magnificent red through its veins? The colour of beetroot is mother nature at her best.

signs of Spring - number 3

The Jasmine is tumbling over the fence and is so close to flowering. I can almost taste the explosion of scent that will accompany the blooming.

within, deeper and deeper

A book I read about women's cycles spoke of the connection they have to lunar cycles. The author said that typically, our cycles move through levels of energy and engagement (like the waxing of the moon) before a period of inward lookingness and introspection during menstruation (waning). Since this operation, I have been completely separated from my cycle and as such, from the ebbs and flows of inward and outward focusing of energy.

I have skipped my period a number of times to enable me to monitor my recovery (which has hit a bit of a bump in the road recently and I seem to be going backwards a bit just now). The pain and bleeding has made me feel like I have been having a period constantly for the past few weeks but without the hormonal release that normally accompanies it. I find myself in a state of introspection and with a focus on nurturing , which must be what my body needs but it is split with a competing need to use the increased energy I have been feeling. I am, at the same time, trying to reconcile a tendency towards inward and outer focus - how can that be sustained?

I took the step to see a naturopath today to seek some additional healing advice. I know that there are various vitamins and minerals that can assist in healing after operations and thought it would be good to get a bit more organised with this. I always feel calm about these matters before I start speaking to people about them so by the time I had finished talking to her, she seemed a rather concerned overall - so she has added some sort of stress assistance in her potion which in retrospect will be a welcome bonus. The mixture that she gave me is actually quite soothing in taste as well which must be a bonus after some stories I have heard from friends recently with mixes they have been given.

Hopefully this will help me along. I need to try to stay out of this mire that I am so predisposed to.

I wish I could draw

I wish I could draw. I recently found a gorgeous book of botanical art which I finally bought after coveting it for some time in a local store. It was one of those books that sat up on a high display shelf, a thing of beauty proudly shown off by the owner who was obviously pleased with himself at having found such a beauty. I stop in this book store on my way home quite regularly - it is a small and independently owned store with staff who love what they do. I loathe going into bookstores where the staff have no interest in reading. This store is full of people who are always absorbed in some book or another and there is a shelf behind the counter displaying what each of the staff are currently reading. It is through this shelf that I develop unclaimed loyalties to certain staff over others.

Anyway, the drawing... I have never been able to draw, partly due to an inability to control perspective. I either run out of room on the page or end up drawing the object ridiculously small. I have always loved botanical art, the way that an artist can identify the singular beauty of a leaf or petal resonates deeply. The study of a plant through art is wonderful to me, surely there is no better way to understand the inner workings of a flower or seed than to disassemble and draw it. Alas, I am constrained by my embarrassment and will keep drawing away in secret until I can muster up something that at least resembles what I am attempting to draw.

Words on the street

Every so often, I walk home from work and revel in the chance to clear my mind and shift down a gear or two before getting home. Now that the days are getting longer again, I will start walking home more. On my walk, I pass a section of the path outside a banking building where someone has engraved 'Where is the War on Greed' into wet cement. I love seeing this, we had so much of the supposed 'war on terror' shoved down our gullets for so long.

Walking home gives me some time to slow down the mind after what has invariably been a madly busy day. I often find it difficult to come home after work and shift straight into home mode. I find myself approaching things as I do at work and, if it has been a particularly bad day, can get a bit cranky about things not being done properly or too slowly. It is a crazy thing to think because my aim is always to slow down, I guess sometimes it takes a bit of time to get to slow.

It is great to feel some energy again. I am finally feeling relatively normal again. I have been trying to not be so introverted and have been getting out to see friends and have been to a few concerts recently which has been fantastic. So many bands are touring at the moment, there always seems to be something on. I feel happier again and importantly, lighter in spirit. I really enjoyed walking home yesterday along the river and got up early today to take the dog for a long morning walk. We did a huge spring clean which has been welling in me for a long time for me. There is so much dust in the house and now that the hairy one has started to shed her winter coat, there is dog hair blowing through the house like tumbleweeds. For what seems like the first time in ages, we have the day at home together tomorrow, doing nothing. I am really looking forward to a day of real rest - perhaps we will get into the garden and get things ready for Spring or maybe just spend the day reading the papers and our books. Whatever it is, I dont mind, it will just be nice to hang out with the boy in this perfect weather.

Book Unsuggester

I just came across a great website, it is an unsuggester. You type in the title of a book that you like and it will return a large list of books that you will not enjoy. It has been right with all the ones I put in. Funny stuff....

http://www.librarything.com/unsuggester